Instinct Or Paranoia? How To Tell…

How do you feel when your partner isn’t with you? Do you worry about who he or she may potentially meet, or might be spending time with? Do you frequently call or text to check-up? Do you need constant contact and reassurance of his or her feelings for you?

How can you know whether you have good instincts that you should trust, or you’re just paranoid and ruining what could be a good thing? Well, unless you’ve chosen to be with a player or known philanderer, it’s most likely your insecurity that’s creating your suspicions.

Paranoia is cancerous to relationships. If you’re afraid your partner doesn’t want you as much as you want him , you’ll usually start to reject him out of insecurity, or you may become needy and smothering—hanging on for dear life.

Common paranoid actions:

1. Reject when you feel rejected. Putting up an emotional wall to protect yourself that prevents you from getting close to someone you truly want.
2. Compete with him or her to prove your worth and show you’re good enough.
3. Manipulate by using guilt or blame, or by playing the victim.
4. Sabotage by creating arguments over nothing or acting out.
5. Jealous of others that you perceive your partner finds more attractive—which only makes you less appealing.
6. Joined at the hip. You want to do everything together and don’t trust him or her out of your sight.
7. You keep your thoughts, needs, and desires to yourself because you fear that if he really knew you, he wouldn’t love you.

All of these actions, conscious or not, drain your energy because they put your happiness in the hands of someone else. When you succumb to your fears by taking insecure action, the result is usually what you fear most: you push him away and he leaves you. Alternately, when you choose to face your fears and accept responsibility for them, you can gain wisdom to make your relationships better.

Start by trying to pinpoint the source of your insecurity. When you catch yourself getting all worked up and wanting to react to something you think is going on…stop! Ask yourself what the facts are. Only respond to what is actually going on, not what you think or fear is happening.

Don’t confuse a pre-programmed response to your own baggage for an instinct. You have to know yourself. Are you highly jealous? Do you hate to be alone? Need a lot of attention? Perhaps you just don’t feel desirable enough. If you’ve been burned before, you’re most likely gun-shy and reacting to your current partner as you did to your ex. Or maybe you have a tendency to cheat, in which case you’re projecting your own behavior on him or her.

Whatever it is, it’s not fair—or healthy. You need to stay in the moment and only react to the reality in front of you. Don’t make everything personal and assume it’s about you. It’s usually not, and that’s ok. Don’t rush things, be patent. You have to stop trying to controlanyone else; you can only control yourself. In all probability the thing making you jealous is low self-esteem. If you don’t truly feel lovable, how can you possibly believe or trust anyone who says he or she loves you?

FDR very wisely said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I could devote an entire book to the symptoms and resolutions of every fear that gets in the way of healthy relationships (Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships describes many of them). But what it all boils down to is love yourself completely and maintain your power. You need to build your self-esteem by giving yourself the attention you crave. And don’t be afraid to show a little vulnerability to the person you love, if he or she loves you it will only make them love you more.

This column was written for DigitalRomanceInc

Confidence is More Important than Looks

What is your core belief about yourself?  Do you feel smart?  Successful?  Talented?  
Do you feel sexy?  

A male client came to me to get help getting girls. More specifically, he wanted to get them to have sex with him.  He was intelligent and very accomplished in his career, for that he was highly confident. But the only women that he'd had sex with were professionals that he had paid. His core belief was that he was unattractive to women.  He had worked with another coach and tagged along with a handsome friend who had mastered picking up girls on the street. He was trying to learn the skills of having "game". It was clear to me that he just needed to change his thinking.

The first girl he ended up taking to bed he wasn't even going to call again after their first date. He had decided that she wasn't interested in him. But as he told me about their evening together I thought it went really well. I encouraged him to ask her out again. He was pleasantly surprised and overjoyed when she allowed him to seduce her on their second date. He started to recognize that his thoughts were his only obstacle.  

He said, "The day after I got laid the first time I had a weird feeling, like a mixture of calmness, disbelief, hope etc because I had previously felt like I couldn't manage it and I had this overwhelming feeling like I'd somehow beaten my mind as it could no longer tell me, "You can't get laid". 

Yesterday he sent me the following email. He gave me permission to share it with you:

"You probably remember I was very hung up on my height because I'm short at 5'4''.  Having got laid more than I imagined was possible since we started working together, I have a much healthier set of beliefs about myself." 

"I love how you can be honest and direct with women and the result is almost always positive. Last week I met a gorgeous 6'2'' girl, and when I asked her out she said I was too short for her. I replied calmly saying, I love sexy tall women and she should give me her number anyway. She did. Last night I took her out for drinks and then took her home! It was so easy. She didn't really care that I was short. After sex she told me I was indeed the shortest guy she'd been with, but she loved how confident I was, and when I replied calmly and honestly (rather than some reactionary aggressive line) she thought she'd give me a chance. She said that in the past she found short guys to be lacking confidence and sometimes trying to compensate and that's what initially put her off rather than the actual height, which she didn't care about, at all!

She also said that as soon as I met her on the first date, walked in and smiled at her, she knew she'd like to go home with me. This is reality shattering, Donna! A 6'2'' girl sees a 5'4'' guy and thinks he's sexy.  WTF! I've spent so much of my life telling myself I'm too short for the girls I really want, and you know what, that attitude and that attitude alone was what was stopping me (but of course, you knew that already).  Some girls don't care what height you are. (and she was gorgeous, German, 6'2'', leggy, and more importantly for me she knew she was sexy and didn't lack confidence) I can no longer tell myself it's impossible to get tall girls."

Your perception is your reality. Whatever you’re thinking or feeling about yourself on the inside will be the energy you project on the outside. You are what you think you are. Therefore, everyone else thinks that of you too. So if you’re thinking, “She’d never be interested in me,” that’s why she’s not. However, if you’re thinking, “I can get anyone I want,” then you will.

Watch You Are What You Think You Are