Instinct Or Paranoia? How To Tell…

How do you feel when your partner isn’t with you? Do you worry about who he or she may potentially meet, or might be spending time with? Do you frequently call or text to check-up? Do you need constant contact and reassurance of his or her feelings for you?

How can you know whether you have good instincts that you should trust, or you’re just paranoid and ruining what could be a good thing? Well, unless you’ve chosen to be with a player or known philanderer, it’s most likely your insecurity that’s creating your suspicions.

Paranoia is cancerous to relationships. If you’re afraid your partner doesn’t want you as much as you want him , you’ll usually start to reject him out of insecurity, or you may become needy and smothering—hanging on for dear life.

Common paranoid actions:

1. Reject when you feel rejected. Putting up an emotional wall to protect yourself that prevents you from getting close to someone you truly want.
2. Compete with him or her to prove your worth and show you’re good enough.
3. Manipulate by using guilt or blame, or by playing the victim.
4. Sabotage by creating arguments over nothing or acting out.
5. Jealous of others that you perceive your partner finds more attractive—which only makes you less appealing.
6. Joined at the hip. You want to do everything together and don’t trust him or her out of your sight.
7. You keep your thoughts, needs, and desires to yourself because you fear that if he really knew you, he wouldn’t love you.

All of these actions, conscious or not, drain your energy because they put your happiness in the hands of someone else. When you succumb to your fears by taking insecure action, the result is usually what you fear most: you push him away and he leaves you. Alternately, when you choose to face your fears and accept responsibility for them, you can gain wisdom to make your relationships better.

Start by trying to pinpoint the source of your insecurity. When you catch yourself getting all worked up and wanting to react to something you think is going on…stop! Ask yourself what the facts are. Only respond to what is actually going on, not what you think or fear is happening.

Don’t confuse a pre-programmed response to your own baggage for an instinct. You have to know yourself. Are you highly jealous? Do you hate to be alone? Need a lot of attention? Perhaps you just don’t feel desirable enough. If you’ve been burned before, you’re most likely gun-shy and reacting to your current partner as you did to your ex. Or maybe you have a tendency to cheat, in which case you’re projecting your own behavior on him or her.

Whatever it is, it’s not fair—or healthy. You need to stay in the moment and only react to the reality in front of you. Don’t make everything personal and assume it’s about you. It’s usually not, and that’s ok. Don’t rush things, be patent. You have to stop trying to controlanyone else; you can only control yourself. In all probability the thing making you jealous is low self-esteem. If you don’t truly feel lovable, how can you possibly believe or trust anyone who says he or she loves you?

FDR very wisely said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I could devote an entire book to the symptoms and resolutions of every fear that gets in the way of healthy relationships (Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships describes many of them). But what it all boils down to is love yourself completely and maintain your power. You need to build your self-esteem by giving yourself the attention you crave. And don’t be afraid to show a little vulnerability to the person you love, if he or she loves you it will only make them love you more.

This column was written for DigitalRomanceInc

Are Your Expectations Ruining Your Relationships?

I think the number one cause of heartache and disappointment in relationships is failed expectations.

Expectations are built in several ways: by reading into your man’s behavior, by romanticizing a relationship to be more than it truly is, by wanting something without expressing your needs or by simply ignoring things you are shown or told.

As a relationship coach, a large part of what I do is manage my clients’ expectations. My intention here is to help you become aware of your own expectations so they don’t end up destroying your relationships.

Click here to read the rest of this article on DatingAdvice.com  Donna was a guest blogger for the all-inclusive dating resource site whose experts dispense wisdom on 'all things dating' through how-to-articles, informational studies, reviews, reader questions and more! 

Are You Too Masculine for Your Man?

You’re sexy, confident, and successful; you’re frequently told you’re a great catch.  So why don’t your relationships last?  You may be showing too much masculine energy.

Most women today are good at taking care of themselves.  Many have multiple degrees, high powered jobs, or own their own business.  They’re used to owning their masculine energy at work.  And if you live in an urban city such as New York you probably exhibit masculine energy just to get through the day.  But if you’re attracted to masculine energy men your masculine energy is repelling them.  It’s like trying to push the wrong sides of a magnet together.

Everyone possesses both feminine and masculine qualities.  You need to be aware of which energy you’re portraying because it plays a large role in initial attraction—and maintaining attraction.  You have to decide if you’re primarily masculine or feminine, and then stick with that choice to keep your relationship together.

If a woman shows the masculine energy in the beginning by making the first move and initiating the date she is appealing to a man’s feminine energy.  Opposite energies attract.  After she gets a guy if she then switches to feminine energy by wanting him to take the lead he’s disappointed, and loses interest.  A masculine energy man wouldn’t be interested in anything more than a casual hookup, he wouldn’t stay around long enough to experience her feminine side.

If you want a masculine energy man you can flirt with him to let him know you’re interested (make eye contact, smile, touch his shoulder or arm) but then allow him to ask you out.  Let the man be the man.  Let him initiate the first kiss, when you see each other, and all electronic communication.  Allow him to pursue you.  If you chase him he will run.

Showing your feminine energy will get him, but if you then switch to a lot of masculine energy your man may lose interest—because he wants a feminine energy woman.  I’m not saying that you need to strictly be one or the other, no one ever is.  Couples naturally negotiate to take opposite energies on many actions once inside the relationship.  However, you do need to default to one or the other.

Masculine energy is active.  It exhibits strength, leadership, and rationality.  Feminine energy is passive.  It demonstrates feelings, emotions and creativity.  Traditional relationships were male dominate with a submissive woman.  That’s not a popular notion today, couples want equal partnerships.  But it’s not a business; do not compete with your man, don’t try to control him, and trust him to take care of you metaphorically—even if you’re the bread winner.

I once was at a nightclub with my masculine energy guy when a fight broke out right next to us.  He’s 6’2” and stepped in front of me.  He was blocking my view so I step around him.  He stepped in front of me again and slightly annoyed said, “I’m trying to protect you.”  It’s a basic instinct for most men to want to protect their women.  If we don’t allow them to, they feel emasculated.

Try to become aware of when you choose to take the lead and when you follow or just go with the flow.   Part of being an empowered woman is knowing when to defer to your man.  Stroke his ego and acknowledge him for things he does.  Make him feel needed.  It will make him feel proud of you for all your accomplishments—not intimidated by your actions.

This article was written for DigitalRomanceInc

Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist

He’s devastatingly charming, mesmerizingly handsome, and has an intoxicating charisma.  He’s telling you how amazing you are and quickly commits to loving you forever.  Have you finally found the love of your life?  Or are you setting yourself up for the heartache that comes with loving a narcissist?

Unfortunately, some pretty amazing women have fallen for narcissists.  Narcissists envy those they perceive as nearly perfect.  In the beginning they can be very seductive and witty.  It’s easy to plunge head over heels for one.  But if you do, don’t count on living happily ever after.  He’s not capable of truly caring for you.

Narcissism is extreme self-absorption.  A narcissist’s brain cannot feel empathy, so it is impossible for a narcissist to achieve real intimacy with anyone.  Outward appearances are what are important to him.  Narcissists usually have tremendously high self-confidence and put themselves on a pedestal, above everyone else.  They belittle those they view as inferior and expect everyone to always go along with them.  However, they suffer from fragile self-esteem.  Self-esteem and self-confidence frequently get mistaken for one another, but they are two separate things.  Self-confidence is the belief in one’s ability to do something, self-esteem is how one feels about oneself; one’s inner dialog.  Narcissists don’t handle criticism well, and within a relationship they commonly become manipulative, controlling, and unfaithful.  They can even become abusive.

A narcissist loves to stroke his own ego.  He will frequently jump from one relationship to the next.  Since he’s not capable of emotional intimacy, he usually can’t sustain a relationship for very long.  If he does, his partner feels incredibly lonely, and ends up giving so much more than she gets.  Here are the signs to look for before you get too caught up in a narcissist’s serving of egocentricity.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Checklist:

___ He talks about himself and monopolizes the conversation.

___ He never asks about you, or never listens when he does.

___ He exaggerates his achievements or talents; acts boastful or conceited.

___ He expects constant praise or adoration.

___ He disregards or diminishes your feelings.

___ He’s demanding of you but isn’t there for you.

___ He puts himself first.

___ He has a sense of entitlement and becomes angry if not treated specially.

___ He’s easily hurt and easily feels rejected; he can’t handle criticism.

___ He has a fragile self-esteem but high self-confidence.

___ He thinks others are jealous of him.

___ He envies others who are successful, attractive, or stylish.

___ He takes advantage of others for his own gain.

___ He wants to have the best of everything and is materialistic.

 Confidence is very attractive; and we all want someone who’s charismatic, charming and handsome.  So how are you supposed to make a good choice?  People can possess various narcissistic tendencies without having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  But if you can check off five or more statements above, you are dating a narcissistic personality.  Get out now!  There is no hope for improvement.  People with NPD are rarely changed even a little bit—and that is if they even want help, which most of them don’t, as they think they’re perfect.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking there is any hope.  Save yourself now; just move on.

Narcissism is more common in men but can affect women too.

This column was written for LoveEngineer.com 

You Can’t Force Someone to Love You

My older cousin taught me a valuable lesson about other people’s feelings when I was just six years old. Maybe this analogy can help you too. I had wanted a cat with all of my heart and soul, and my favorite aunt had finally gotten me one. I was so happy to have that cat that I couldn’t put her down. No matter how much she struggled and meowed to be let go, I just wanted to cuddle her more. If she did get away, I’d chase her all over the house until I caught her again. I simply couldn’t love her enough. Then one day I was walking through the living room at my aunt’s house when my cousin grabbed me and held me tight on his lap. “Let me go,” I yelled. “No,” he said. I started to struggle and fight, but he was much bigger than me and I couldn’t get away. I started to cry, but he still wouldn’t let me go. I was angry and kicking and screaming. It made no difference; he wouldn’t let me go. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally released me. He asked, “Did you like that?” “No!” I said, still pouting. “That’s what you do to the cat!” he said. Wow, that was awful. I got it. After that, every time she wanted to get down, I let her—even though I didn’t like it.

            When you love someone, it’s not just about what you want. True love means wanting the other person to be happy too. It’s a hard pill to swallow when what he wants is to be away from you. But the loving thing to do is to let him have what he wants. You can’t force someone to love you.  The more you try to manipulate someone, the more you push them away. He may end up hating you. He almost certainly will cut you off forever. I know it’s very scary not to be able to control things—especially when they affect your safety. But you need to stop being your own worst enemy. Push the pause button and take care of you. You will be much more attractive if you maintain your power and act nutritiously.  

Watch Donna's Video:  When to let go after a breakup (or possibly get your ex back) 

How to Avoid Heart Break

When my clients end a relationship, whether a good or bad one, they often ask me if there was something they should have seen in the beginning. The answer is always yes. As they tell me more about how it started, we usually do discover the warning signs that could have prevented their heartbreak. But they had been too caught up in the seduction to pay attention. Frequently they didn’t even know what to look for in the first place.

First and foremost, when your new sweetheart tells you something about himself, believe him! I can’t stress this enough. If he says, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship,” don’t think, “Well, maybe not with anyone else, but you have such a great connection with me.” The connection part may be true—but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not ready for more. If you ignore that important ingredient, you will get hurt. I had a client who came to me devastated because his girlfriend had cheated on him. But she had told him in the beginning that she had never been faithful to anyone. He trusted the connection he felt and assumed he’d be different, instead of truly hearing what she said. That was a painful mistake. She ultimately did what she said she would do. When people talk about themselves, it’s not in relation to you. It probably has nothing to do with you; it’s all about them. You can’t change them. You have to accept their truth!

View Donna’s How to Avoid Heart Break video

Subtle Junk-Food Flags You Should Look Out for When Dating

When a relationship doesn’t work out or ends badly, clients frequently ask me if there was something they should have seen in the beginning.  The answer is almost always yes.  But they were too caught up in the seduction to notice that it wasn’t a good fit.  You have to look for the warning signs are and heed them before you get too involved (or intimate).  I consider the obvious ones to be if he or she drinks too much, blatantly lies, is negative or can’t stop talking about his or her ex.  But here are some more subtle clues to look for that can save you a lot of heartache down the road.

1. He or she doesn’t respect your boundaries.  If you say no and he continues to push to get his way, or does it anyway, then he’s not respecting your needs.   He’s being manipulative.  It might be something as simple as pushing you to answer a question. Or ordering another drink for you when you said no.  It’s a sign that he or she could be controlling and will always need to have their way.

2. He or she’s a blamer.  They’ll name someone else as the cause for everything that happens to them, or always have an excuse for why it’s not their fault.  If he or she blames you for anything that doesn’t go right, no matter how small (even if it is your fault—there is no need to point that out), he or she’s probably the defensive type who can’t take responsibility for their own actions.  If the relationship moves forward you will always be the one expected to change or compromise.

3. He or she’s narcissistic.  He constantly interrupts and doesn’t let you finish your thoughts, or sentences.  He’s more interested in talking about himself (telling inflated stories staring him) than learning about you and he doesn’t remember important information you share about yourself.  He might take the better seat in a restaurant and/or demand specific attention.  That’s a good indication that the whole relationship will be all about him.

4. He or she’s controlling.  He doesn’t ask you, but tells you what you’re going to do.  Such as if he orders food for you without consulting you on what you’d like.  Or in any way corrects you, or tells you how you “need” to look, behave or speak.  Confidence is very attractive but it becomes control if you don’t have a choice.

5. He or she’s moving too fast.  A commitment-phobic will try to pull you into his life quickly because subconsciously he knows he’s not going to keep you around.  He’ll invite you to do everything with him until he knows he definitely has you, then he’ll feel smothered and suddenly leave you without warning.  Don’t fall for it.  Slow the pace of the relationship.  No more than two to three dates a week in the beginning.

 A person might not wave all his or her junk-food flags on the first, second or even third date.  So you have to keep up a vigilant watch.  Sex will definitely cloud your judgment.  Don’t allow sex to make you stupid.

Watch Donna's Video:

Don't Allow Sex to Make You Stupid

Texting Etiquette In the Dating Phase

Texting has changed relationships—and not for the better.  I’m not a fan of rules but I do feel there needs to be one big bold rule about text messaging:  NEVER send a text message to communicate emotions or feelings!

Good communication is the foundation of a happy relationship. Texting is impersonal communication.  It is unbelievable to me that anyone would attempt to communicate relationship altering information via a text.  But it happens all the time. Clients have told me they have said I love you for the first time, agreed to be exclusive, held entire arguments and even broken up without speaking a single word to each other.  I hope it’s not just me who views that as crazy.

I also think it is cowardly to initiate a date via text.  I do understand the appeal for the sender; there is no pressure on what to say if you’re turned down.  But as a woman, if a man doesn’t think enough of me to pick up the phone and speak with me then I’m not interested…and I hope to empower all women to feel that way.  You teach people how to treat you. So when you first meet someone set a boundary that you want to communicate verbally.  If a potential love interest texts instead of calling, text back, “Call me.”  If they don’t, they may have saved you from future heartache.

How long should you wait before responding to a text or phone call? The answer is, don’t wait. The idea that you have to play hard-to-get is junk-food. If you begin a relationship by playing games of any kind, you will ultimately lose. A person who is looking for a healthy relationship wants someone who is communicative. Having said that, ladies, let the man initiate all texts until you are in an exclusive relationship. If he takes you out you can thank him verbally at the end of the date.  There is no need to thank him again with a text the next day—that’s his role.

I strongly believe men are responsible for initiating communication. One of my male clients recently called because he hadn’t heard from the girl he’d just spent the night with. He was confused as to whether she liked him or not. I asked if he had called or texted her. “No,” he said, “I was waiting to hear from her first.” “She’s waiting to hear from you,” I said. “You’re the guy.” He had no idea that he should make the first contact. I realize today’s women are not exactly traditional, and many of them do make the first contact. I also know men now often give women their card and say “call me” instead of asking for their number. But that makes the woman the pursuer. Men, unless you want a masculine energy woman who will always take the lead, be the man by taking the traditional lead in communication.

Here are my suggestions for texting  during the dating phase:

• Don’t use text or e-mail as a replacement for phone calls. One-on-one communication is best. Don’t schedule all your dates through texts.

• Just because you can send a message immediately doesn’t mean you deserve an immediate response.

• Never e-mail or text when you’re impaired: angry, sad, or otherwise emotional, or under the influence of any substance.

• Never e-mail or text when you’ve just ended an emotional phone conversation. Let sleeping dogs lie.

• If you wouldn’t deliver your message in person, then don’t send it via text or e-mail. Remember, the receiver has feelings, too (even if he or she is not good at showing them).

• Don’t hide behind texts. It’s really easy to type out what you want and just hit send. But that won’t get you the kind of response you need, and it gives the receiver permission to do the same.

• Anything that will potentially alter your relationship needs to be done in person or at least speaking on the phone.

• Only send a text if it will positively benefit your relationship and it cannot be misconstrued, such as messages stating that you’re running late or communicating other logistical information.

• The man should be the pursuer. Ladies, don’t send texts to initiate contact.

The problem with any written communication is that its context can be misconstrued. Without the inflection of voice to help interpret its meaning, you may take what is written the wrong way. So may the receiver of your texts. One’s perception is one’s reality. Your relationship is too important to leave up to chance.  Too many very smart people succumb to the self-defeating act of texting their lover in a moment of emotional insecurity, frequently when they are tipsy or drunk, forgoing any rational judgment. The lure to instantly deliver your deepest feelings—positive or negative—may feel satisfying in the moment, but the consequences of pressing the send button are rarely beneficial.

Donna wrote this column for LoveEngineer.com

Watch Donna's video: When NOT to text

Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices

Are you waiting for someone to change back into the person you fell in love with? Do you fear you won’t find anyone better for you if you leave or let go? Are you confused about what went wrong? This guide outlines ways to make your relationships healthier and, more importantly, how to tell when things have gone bad. An abusive, dysfunctional, or simply wrong-for-you relationship can be as draining and bad for your health as an affinity for junk food.

If you’re like most people, you’re probably hungry for a good, meaningful, fulfilling relationship. Though it’s easy to figure out that something needs to change, you may be having trouble figuring out what to do. In Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships, author Donna Barnes uses multiple choice quizzes, check lists, how-to lists, and more to lay out methods for determining what kinds of junk food are affecting your relationships. You can learn how to recognize and stop destructive dating habits, spot and avoid waving junk-food (red) flags, distinguish true love from true lust, tell if you’re in a bad relationship and how to call it quits, be comfortable being alone, and handle rejection gracefully. Start making healthy relationship decisions and improve your most important long-term relationship: the one with yourself.