Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist

He’s devastatingly charming, mesmerizingly handsome, and has an intoxicating charisma.  He’s telling you how amazing you are and quickly commits to loving you forever.  Have you finally found the love of your life?  Or are you setting yourself up for the heartache that comes with loving a narcissist?

Unfortunately, some pretty amazing women have fallen for narcissists.  Narcissists envy those they perceive as nearly perfect.  In the beginning they can be very seductive and witty.  It’s easy to plunge head over heels for one.  But if you do, don’t count on living happily ever after.  He’s not capable of truly caring for you.

Narcissism is extreme self-absorption.  A narcissist’s brain cannot feel empathy, so it is impossible for a narcissist to achieve real intimacy with anyone.  Outward appearances are what are important to him.  Narcissists usually have tremendously high self-confidence and put themselves on a pedestal, above everyone else.  They belittle those they view as inferior and expect everyone to always go along with them.  However, they suffer from fragile self-esteem.  Self-esteem and self-confidence frequently get mistaken for one another, but they are two separate things.  Self-confidence is the belief in one’s ability to do something, self-esteem is how one feels about oneself; one’s inner dialog.  Narcissists don’t handle criticism well, and within a relationship they commonly become manipulative, controlling, and unfaithful.  They can even become abusive.

A narcissist loves to stroke his own ego.  He will frequently jump from one relationship to the next.  Since he’s not capable of emotional intimacy, he usually can’t sustain a relationship for very long.  If he does, his partner feels incredibly lonely, and ends up giving so much more than she gets.  Here are the signs to look for before you get too caught up in a narcissist’s serving of egocentricity.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Checklist:

___ He talks about himself and monopolizes the conversation.

___ He never asks about you, or never listens when he does.

___ He exaggerates his achievements or talents; acts boastful or conceited.

___ He expects constant praise or adoration.

___ He disregards or diminishes your feelings.

___ He’s demanding of you but isn’t there for you.

___ He puts himself first.

___ He has a sense of entitlement and becomes angry if not treated specially.

___ He’s easily hurt and easily feels rejected; he can’t handle criticism.

___ He has a fragile self-esteem but high self-confidence.

___ He thinks others are jealous of him.

___ He envies others who are successful, attractive, or stylish.

___ He takes advantage of others for his own gain.

___ He wants to have the best of everything and is materialistic.

 Confidence is very attractive; and we all want someone who’s charismatic, charming and handsome.  So how are you supposed to make a good choice?  People can possess various narcissistic tendencies without having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  But if you can check off five or more statements above, you are dating a narcissistic personality.  Get out now!  There is no hope for improvement.  People with NPD are rarely changed even a little bit—and that is if they even want help, which most of them don’t, as they think they’re perfect.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking there is any hope.  Save yourself now; just move on.

Narcissism is more common in men but can affect women too.

This column was written for LoveEngineer.com 

How to Avoid Heart Break

When my clients end a relationship, whether a good or bad one, they often ask me if there was something they should have seen in the beginning. The answer is always yes. As they tell me more about how it started, we usually do discover the warning signs that could have prevented their heartbreak. But they had been too caught up in the seduction to pay attention. Frequently they didn’t even know what to look for in the first place.

First and foremost, when your new sweetheart tells you something about himself, believe him! I can’t stress this enough. If he says, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship,” don’t think, “Well, maybe not with anyone else, but you have such a great connection with me.” The connection part may be true—but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not ready for more. If you ignore that important ingredient, you will get hurt. I had a client who came to me devastated because his girlfriend had cheated on him. But she had told him in the beginning that she had never been faithful to anyone. He trusted the connection he felt and assumed he’d be different, instead of truly hearing what she said. That was a painful mistake. She ultimately did what she said she would do. When people talk about themselves, it’s not in relation to you. It probably has nothing to do with you; it’s all about them. You can’t change them. You have to accept their truth!

View Donna’s How to Avoid Heart Break video

Subtle Junk-Food Flags You Should Look Out for When Dating

When a relationship doesn’t work out or ends badly, clients frequently ask me if there was something they should have seen in the beginning.  The answer is almost always yes.  But they were too caught up in the seduction to notice that it wasn’t a good fit.  You have to look for the warning signs are and heed them before you get too involved (or intimate).  I consider the obvious ones to be if he or she drinks too much, blatantly lies, is negative or can’t stop talking about his or her ex.  But here are some more subtle clues to look for that can save you a lot of heartache down the road.

1. He or she doesn’t respect your boundaries.  If you say no and he continues to push to get his way, or does it anyway, then he’s not respecting your needs.   He’s being manipulative.  It might be something as simple as pushing you to answer a question. Or ordering another drink for you when you said no.  It’s a sign that he or she could be controlling and will always need to have their way.

2. He or she’s a blamer.  They’ll name someone else as the cause for everything that happens to them, or always have an excuse for why it’s not their fault.  If he or she blames you for anything that doesn’t go right, no matter how small (even if it is your fault—there is no need to point that out), he or she’s probably the defensive type who can’t take responsibility for their own actions.  If the relationship moves forward you will always be the one expected to change or compromise.

3. He or she’s narcissistic.  He constantly interrupts and doesn’t let you finish your thoughts, or sentences.  He’s more interested in talking about himself (telling inflated stories staring him) than learning about you and he doesn’t remember important information you share about yourself.  He might take the better seat in a restaurant and/or demand specific attention.  That’s a good indication that the whole relationship will be all about him.

4. He or she’s controlling.  He doesn’t ask you, but tells you what you’re going to do.  Such as if he orders food for you without consulting you on what you’d like.  Or in any way corrects you, or tells you how you “need” to look, behave or speak.  Confidence is very attractive but it becomes control if you don’t have a choice.

5. He or she’s moving too fast.  A commitment-phobic will try to pull you into his life quickly because subconsciously he knows he’s not going to keep you around.  He’ll invite you to do everything with him until he knows he definitely has you, then he’ll feel smothered and suddenly leave you without warning.  Don’t fall for it.  Slow the pace of the relationship.  No more than two to three dates a week in the beginning.

 A person might not wave all his or her junk-food flags on the first, second or even third date.  So you have to keep up a vigilant watch.  Sex will definitely cloud your judgment.  Don’t allow sex to make you stupid.

Watch Donna's Video:

Don't Allow Sex to Make You Stupid