How To Have Healthy Boundaries In Relationships

How many times have you been upset with someone and intended to tell him or her about it, only to have your resolve weaken once you were face-to-face?

Then, instead of maintaining your power, you allowed the other person to dominate the situation. You got caught up in his or her energy and ignored your own intention, allowing your boundaries to collapse.

We teach people how to treat us. If someone disrespects you and you allow it to happen without saying anything, you’ve just taught him or her that it is acceptable behavior and that he or she can continue to behave that way. That person will indeed continue to do so until he or she loses respect for you and leaves. If you overreact and tell that person off, you’ve taught him or her that you’re not in control of your power.

If that person likes drama, he or she will continue to disrespect you, hoping to engage you in future scenes, thus creating a dysfunctional relationship. If someone is healthy, he or she will see your outburst as a huge red flag. He or she will lose interest and move on. However, if you calmly express what was not okay with you and request how you’d like to be treated in the future, you’ll command respect. If you don’t get respect, then you should lose interest and walk away.

Having healthy boundaries means knowing your inner feelings, wants, needs, and limits, as well as fulfilling and enforcing them without hurting others. That means finding your true self and protecting it, no matter what, without needing anyone else’s approval. Enforcing healthy boundaries means not letting anyone else change what you know is right for you.

Donna is now making advice videos for Digital Romance TV

Instinct Or Paranoia? How To Tell…

How do you feel when your partner isn’t with you? Do you worry about who he or she may potentially meet, or might be spending time with? Do you frequently call or text to check-up? Do you need constant contact and reassurance of his or her feelings for you?

How can you know whether you have good instincts that you should trust, or you’re just paranoid and ruining what could be a good thing? Well, unless you’ve chosen to be with a player or known philanderer, it’s most likely your insecurity that’s creating your suspicions.

Paranoia is cancerous to relationships. If you’re afraid your partner doesn’t want you as much as you want him , you’ll usually start to reject him out of insecurity, or you may become needy and smothering—hanging on for dear life.

Common paranoid actions:

1. Reject when you feel rejected. Putting up an emotional wall to protect yourself that prevents you from getting close to someone you truly want.
2. Compete with him or her to prove your worth and show you’re good enough.
3. Manipulate by using guilt or blame, or by playing the victim.
4. Sabotage by creating arguments over nothing or acting out.
5. Jealous of others that you perceive your partner finds more attractive—which only makes you less appealing.
6. Joined at the hip. You want to do everything together and don’t trust him or her out of your sight.
7. You keep your thoughts, needs, and desires to yourself because you fear that if he really knew you, he wouldn’t love you.

All of these actions, conscious or not, drain your energy because they put your happiness in the hands of someone else. When you succumb to your fears by taking insecure action, the result is usually what you fear most: you push him away and he leaves you. Alternately, when you choose to face your fears and accept responsibility for them, you can gain wisdom to make your relationships better.

Start by trying to pinpoint the source of your insecurity. When you catch yourself getting all worked up and wanting to react to something you think is going on…stop! Ask yourself what the facts are. Only respond to what is actually going on, not what you think or fear is happening.

Don’t confuse a pre-programmed response to your own baggage for an instinct. You have to know yourself. Are you highly jealous? Do you hate to be alone? Need a lot of attention? Perhaps you just don’t feel desirable enough. If you’ve been burned before, you’re most likely gun-shy and reacting to your current partner as you did to your ex. Or maybe you have a tendency to cheat, in which case you’re projecting your own behavior on him or her.

Whatever it is, it’s not fair—or healthy. You need to stay in the moment and only react to the reality in front of you. Don’t make everything personal and assume it’s about you. It’s usually not, and that’s ok. Don’t rush things, be patent. You have to stop trying to controlanyone else; you can only control yourself. In all probability the thing making you jealous is low self-esteem. If you don’t truly feel lovable, how can you possibly believe or trust anyone who says he or she loves you?

FDR very wisely said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I could devote an entire book to the symptoms and resolutions of every fear that gets in the way of healthy relationships (Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships describes many of them). But what it all boils down to is love yourself completely and maintain your power. You need to build your self-esteem by giving yourself the attention you crave. And don’t be afraid to show a little vulnerability to the person you love, if he or she loves you it will only make them love you more.

This column was written for DigitalRomanceInc

Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist

He’s devastatingly charming, mesmerizingly handsome, and has an intoxicating charisma.  He’s telling you how amazing you are and quickly commits to loving you forever.  Have you finally found the love of your life?  Or are you setting yourself up for the heartache that comes with loving a narcissist?

Unfortunately, some pretty amazing women have fallen for narcissists.  Narcissists envy those they perceive as nearly perfect.  In the beginning they can be very seductive and witty.  It’s easy to plunge head over heels for one.  But if you do, don’t count on living happily ever after.  He’s not capable of truly caring for you.

Narcissism is extreme self-absorption.  A narcissist’s brain cannot feel empathy, so it is impossible for a narcissist to achieve real intimacy with anyone.  Outward appearances are what are important to him.  Narcissists usually have tremendously high self-confidence and put themselves on a pedestal, above everyone else.  They belittle those they view as inferior and expect everyone to always go along with them.  However, they suffer from fragile self-esteem.  Self-esteem and self-confidence frequently get mistaken for one another, but they are two separate things.  Self-confidence is the belief in one’s ability to do something, self-esteem is how one feels about oneself; one’s inner dialog.  Narcissists don’t handle criticism well, and within a relationship they commonly become manipulative, controlling, and unfaithful.  They can even become abusive.

A narcissist loves to stroke his own ego.  He will frequently jump from one relationship to the next.  Since he’s not capable of emotional intimacy, he usually can’t sustain a relationship for very long.  If he does, his partner feels incredibly lonely, and ends up giving so much more than she gets.  Here are the signs to look for before you get too caught up in a narcissist’s serving of egocentricity.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Checklist:

___ He talks about himself and monopolizes the conversation.

___ He never asks about you, or never listens when he does.

___ He exaggerates his achievements or talents; acts boastful or conceited.

___ He expects constant praise or adoration.

___ He disregards or diminishes your feelings.

___ He’s demanding of you but isn’t there for you.

___ He puts himself first.

___ He has a sense of entitlement and becomes angry if not treated specially.

___ He’s easily hurt and easily feels rejected; he can’t handle criticism.

___ He has a fragile self-esteem but high self-confidence.

___ He thinks others are jealous of him.

___ He envies others who are successful, attractive, or stylish.

___ He takes advantage of others for his own gain.

___ He wants to have the best of everything and is materialistic.

 Confidence is very attractive; and we all want someone who’s charismatic, charming and handsome.  So how are you supposed to make a good choice?  People can possess various narcissistic tendencies without having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  But if you can check off five or more statements above, you are dating a narcissistic personality.  Get out now!  There is no hope for improvement.  People with NPD are rarely changed even a little bit—and that is if they even want help, which most of them don’t, as they think they’re perfect.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking there is any hope.  Save yourself now; just move on.

Narcissism is more common in men but can affect women too.

This column was written for LoveEngineer.com 

Texting Etiquette In the Dating Phase

Texting has changed relationships—and not for the better.  I’m not a fan of rules but I do feel there needs to be one big bold rule about text messaging:  NEVER send a text message to communicate emotions or feelings!

Good communication is the foundation of a happy relationship. Texting is impersonal communication.  It is unbelievable to me that anyone would attempt to communicate relationship altering information via a text.  But it happens all the time. Clients have told me they have said I love you for the first time, agreed to be exclusive, held entire arguments and even broken up without speaking a single word to each other.  I hope it’s not just me who views that as crazy.

I also think it is cowardly to initiate a date via text.  I do understand the appeal for the sender; there is no pressure on what to say if you’re turned down.  But as a woman, if a man doesn’t think enough of me to pick up the phone and speak with me then I’m not interested…and I hope to empower all women to feel that way.  You teach people how to treat you. So when you first meet someone set a boundary that you want to communicate verbally.  If a potential love interest texts instead of calling, text back, “Call me.”  If they don’t, they may have saved you from future heartache.

How long should you wait before responding to a text or phone call? The answer is, don’t wait. The idea that you have to play hard-to-get is junk-food. If you begin a relationship by playing games of any kind, you will ultimately lose. A person who is looking for a healthy relationship wants someone who is communicative. Having said that, ladies, let the man initiate all texts until you are in an exclusive relationship. If he takes you out you can thank him verbally at the end of the date.  There is no need to thank him again with a text the next day—that’s his role.

I strongly believe men are responsible for initiating communication. One of my male clients recently called because he hadn’t heard from the girl he’d just spent the night with. He was confused as to whether she liked him or not. I asked if he had called or texted her. “No,” he said, “I was waiting to hear from her first.” “She’s waiting to hear from you,” I said. “You’re the guy.” He had no idea that he should make the first contact. I realize today’s women are not exactly traditional, and many of them do make the first contact. I also know men now often give women their card and say “call me” instead of asking for their number. But that makes the woman the pursuer. Men, unless you want a masculine energy woman who will always take the lead, be the man by taking the traditional lead in communication.

Here are my suggestions for texting  during the dating phase:

• Don’t use text or e-mail as a replacement for phone calls. One-on-one communication is best. Don’t schedule all your dates through texts.

• Just because you can send a message immediately doesn’t mean you deserve an immediate response.

• Never e-mail or text when you’re impaired: angry, sad, or otherwise emotional, or under the influence of any substance.

• Never e-mail or text when you’ve just ended an emotional phone conversation. Let sleeping dogs lie.

• If you wouldn’t deliver your message in person, then don’t send it via text or e-mail. Remember, the receiver has feelings, too (even if he or she is not good at showing them).

• Don’t hide behind texts. It’s really easy to type out what you want and just hit send. But that won’t get you the kind of response you need, and it gives the receiver permission to do the same.

• Anything that will potentially alter your relationship needs to be done in person or at least speaking on the phone.

• Only send a text if it will positively benefit your relationship and it cannot be misconstrued, such as messages stating that you’re running late or communicating other logistical information.

• The man should be the pursuer. Ladies, don’t send texts to initiate contact.

The problem with any written communication is that its context can be misconstrued. Without the inflection of voice to help interpret its meaning, you may take what is written the wrong way. So may the receiver of your texts. One’s perception is one’s reality. Your relationship is too important to leave up to chance.  Too many very smart people succumb to the self-defeating act of texting their lover in a moment of emotional insecurity, frequently when they are tipsy or drunk, forgoing any rational judgment. The lure to instantly deliver your deepest feelings—positive or negative—may feel satisfying in the moment, but the consequences of pressing the send button are rarely beneficial.

Donna wrote this column for LoveEngineer.com

Watch Donna's video: When NOT to text

Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices

Are you waiting for someone to change back into the person you fell in love with? Do you fear you won’t find anyone better for you if you leave or let go? Are you confused about what went wrong? This guide outlines ways to make your relationships healthier and, more importantly, how to tell when things have gone bad. An abusive, dysfunctional, or simply wrong-for-you relationship can be as draining and bad for your health as an affinity for junk food.

If you’re like most people, you’re probably hungry for a good, meaningful, fulfilling relationship. Though it’s easy to figure out that something needs to change, you may be having trouble figuring out what to do. In Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships, author Donna Barnes uses multiple choice quizzes, check lists, how-to lists, and more to lay out methods for determining what kinds of junk food are affecting your relationships. You can learn how to recognize and stop destructive dating habits, spot and avoid waving junk-food (red) flags, distinguish true love from true lust, tell if you’re in a bad relationship and how to call it quits, be comfortable being alone, and handle rejection gracefully. Start making healthy relationship decisions and improve your most important long-term relationship: the one with yourself.