What Do You Do When the ONE You Wanted Marries Someone Else?

“He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person; she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me.” 

Meg Ryan’s line from When Harry Met Sally speaks for many women. Or maybe your ONE did know he wanted to get married, but started picking you apart and finding fault just when everything got really great. Then most likely his next relationship was with someone who had the qualities he perceived to be missing with you—because that is what he convinced himself he needed most.   

I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but for someone with commitment issues the better the relationship the more anxiety they feel. It’s much easier for them to make a commitment to someone who looks good on paper and is a good intellectual choice, but less of an intense “love of my life” connection. One man flat out said to me, “Am I head over heels in love with her? No, but I like it that way. It works.” They had commonality, and he really liked her. She didn’t stimulate his commitment anxiety.

Many people would call that settling. Commitmentphobes think it’s smart. Did you see the movie Moonstruck? Cher’s character Loretta announced she was going to marry Johnny Camareri (played by Danny Aiello) her mom Rose (played by Olivia Dukakis) asked:

Rose: Do you love him?

Loretta: No

Rose: Good

But when she announced she was going to marry Johnny’s brother Ronny (Nicholas Cage) instead:

Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?

Loretta: Aw, ma, I love him awful.

Rose: Oh, God, that's too bad.

What I’m trying to say is that just because someone gets married doesn’t mean they married the love of their life. You may still be their true love; you were just too scary for them to deal with. What’s most important is that you don’t allow it to make you feel bad about yourself, or prevent you from finding happiness with someone else.  Your perception is your reality, so you need to decide that he settled, and even if you’re still single you’re happy, because you’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.

Both men and women get married for all sorts of reasons other than finding their true ONE. They may have been burned by love, and think it’s too painful to open up to trying again.  They may succumb to the peer pressure that all their colleagues are married and it looks better professionally. Or their biological clock may be ticking and they found somebody willing to become a parent. But for someone who has unacknowledged commitment issues they don’t know how they will feel about falling head over heels in love or getting married until they do it—and then their anxiety can become overwhelming.

Let’s face it; marriage isn’t what it used to be. It’s become easily expendable. The odds are against them that they will stay married till death—especially if one or both of them didn’t really know themselves (or each other) before they made any promises or vows. Sex & the City’s Carrie and Big were based on real life people. Big (who clearly had commitment issues) married a socialite after only knowing her for 5 months. Carrie was heartbroken. But in the end Big came back to Carrie finally telling her, “You’re the one.”

That frequently happens in life too. However by no means should you wait if your love married someone else! Take comfort in knowing that if he had married you first, you may have been the one he ultimately divorced. Decide that you dodged a bullet, and that you are the amazing catch that got away! Move on with your life feeling empowered.

This column was written for LoveEngineer.com

Watch Donna's Video How to be Happy Without a Relationship

You Can’t Force Someone to Love You

My older cousin taught me a valuable lesson about other people’s feelings when I was just six years old. Maybe this analogy can help you too. I had wanted a cat with all of my heart and soul, and my favorite aunt had finally gotten me one. I was so happy to have that cat that I couldn’t put her down. No matter how much she struggled and meowed to be let go, I just wanted to cuddle her more. If she did get away, I’d chase her all over the house until I caught her again. I simply couldn’t love her enough. Then one day I was walking through the living room at my aunt’s house when my cousin grabbed me and held me tight on his lap. “Let me go,” I yelled. “No,” he said. I started to struggle and fight, but he was much bigger than me and I couldn’t get away. I started to cry, but he still wouldn’t let me go. I was angry and kicking and screaming. It made no difference; he wouldn’t let me go. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally released me. He asked, “Did you like that?” “No!” I said, still pouting. “That’s what you do to the cat!” he said. Wow, that was awful. I got it. After that, every time she wanted to get down, I let her—even though I didn’t like it.

            When you love someone, it’s not just about what you want. True love means wanting the other person to be happy too. It’s a hard pill to swallow when what he wants is to be away from you. But the loving thing to do is to let him have what he wants. You can’t force someone to love you.  The more you try to manipulate someone, the more you push them away. He may end up hating you. He almost certainly will cut you off forever. I know it’s very scary not to be able to control things—especially when they affect your safety. But you need to stop being your own worst enemy. Push the pause button and take care of you. You will be much more attractive if you maintain your power and act nutritiously.  

Watch Donna's Video:  When to let go after a breakup (or possibly get your ex back) 

Are You Finding it Hard to go on Without the Love of Your life?

Finding the love of your life is an incredible high, especially if on some level you view him or her as above your typical dating league.  So naturally, when it doesn’t work out or worse, it suddenly ends without warning, it may feel like you will never find anyone better.  However, it is only that kind of thinking that will prevent you from finding anyone new—I promise you.

Contrary to what many people believe there is not only one love of anyone’s life.   It sucks, and it hurts, and it’s very lonely to lose your soul mate.  But you cannot lose yourself in the process.  No one else defines who you are.  You are who you are based solely on your own merits, not because of the partner you were able to secure for yourself.  I know it doesn’t feel like it but this breakup is the best thing that has happened to you.  It’s giving you depth, compassion and a new perspective on life.  Embrace it!  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so if you are having any thoughts of removing yourself from this world, please, please think again.  I swear to you this shall pass and it does get better.  Do not give that kind of power to a selfish person who didn’t value you.

The first step in letting go of someone who hurt you is to knock them off the pedestal you’ve had them on.  I usually recommend not being judgmental, but when someone has broken your heart you have to find their faults to help you let them go.  No one is perfect, and no matter how perfect he or she may have seemed for you, he or she did have short comings.  Leaving you is a major fault.

The reason I say this is good for you is because the insights you are gaining will help you find the new love of your life.  The things that didn’t work in a past relationship usually become the essential qualities we look for in our next partner, things we didn’t know to look for previously.  You probably won’t find someone with the exact same qualities that you loved about your ex, but that’s a good thing.  You absolutely will find someone with better qualities that work better for you.  Do not sell yourself short; your ex is not the only person who will find you attractive.  This horrible experience is helping you grow and actually making you more appealing.

I can absolutely assure you all of these things because I have been there too.  I know how you feel.  I had an amazing relationship with a wonderful man who I thought was the love of my life.  When he couldn’t do it and left our relationship it pulled the rug out from underneath me.  That was a very dark time.  However, it set me on a quest for knowledge.  I did find love again, and lost it again, and found it again, and lost it again.  Each time I felt I would never find anyone better.  It was frequently painful, and at times even debilitating, but in hindsight I wouldn’t change any of it.  It has made me who I am.  I am an empowered woman who knows how to recognize a man who is truly good for me.  I’m now blessed with the best love of my life—whom I wouldn’t trade for any of my past loves.

If you hang in there and take care of yourself I promise you can find better love too.  You need to change your perception.  Decide that you do not want your ex.  You DO NOT want someone who doesn’t want you!  If you need help reach out for it.  Talk to your friends and family, read some good books, you can even reach out to me.  Helping people through breakups is now my specialty—I definitely understand.

I wrote this column for LoveEngineer.com   I got so many responses from yesterday's post asking how to get over a breakup, so I though I would repost this now.  I hope it helps!

Advice Videos:

When to let go after a breakup (or possibly get your ex back)

How to be Happy Without a Relationship

Why Did My Relationship End When It Seemed So Good?

You had an amazing connection, the passion was unbelievable, you had never had a relationship feel so good—then one day something unexpectedly changed, he or she was detached, unloving, and it was never again the same.

Perhaps it ended abruptly (if you were lucky) or maybe it dragged on for a couple years while you desperately tried to get back to where you started from.

That’s a scenario I’m very familiar with. As a relationship coach a large percentage of my clients come to me to learn how to get their boyfriend or girlfriend back after a sudden,devastating breakup. It’s inconceivable to most of them how distant and cold their once incredibly loving partner is now being. It’s always very clear to me when a commitmentphobe has broken someone’s heart. Helping these clients understand is the only way to help them let go.

What makes commitmentphobia so hard to recognize and even comprehend at first is that most people, both men and women, who say they’re looking for commitment or marriage, are actually doing just that. Most of them want to be in a loving relationship with all of their heart, and many even want to get married and create a family. Most people don’t experience any commitment issues until something triggers them.

What causes lovers to get hurt is that the better the relationship, the more anxiety a commitmentphobe feels. This is the result of their conscious desire battling with their subconscious fear. Since they consciously know they want a good relationship, they usually assume their partner is wrong for them when they find they are just not happy in the relationship.

In reality, their unhappiness is brought about because their partner is such a good choicefor them that it triggers their anxiety. As they start to recognize a true commitment might actually come to fruition, they become increasingly fearful and they withdraw. Sometimes by just getting space and creating distance in the relationship, but many times they suddenly bail out completely. Then the abandoned partner is devastated and usually has a very difficult time letting go.

As your partner starts to feel anxiety and withdraw, if you become afraid he doesn’t love you as much as you love him, you’ll start to act out of insecurity rather than love. You may try to manipulate him into loving you more by using guilt or blame, or by playing the victim. If you’re afraid he’s going to leave, you may become needy and smothering—hanging on for dear life—or you may begin competing with him to prove your worth.

You may start to sabotage the relationship, creating arguments over nothing or acting out. You may become jealous of others that you perceive your partner finds more attractive—which only makes you less appealing. All of these actions, conscious or not, drain your energy because they put your happiness in the hands of someone else. When you succumb to your fears by taking insecure action, the result is usually what you fear most: you push him away and he leaves you.

Alternately, when you act empowered by choosing to face your fears and to accept responsibility for them, you can gain wisdom to make your relationships better.

Here are some ways to avoid future heart break:

1. Slow the pace of a new relationship.
2. Don’t talk about any kind of commitment for a minimum of one year.
3. Guard your feelings if he has never had his heart broken, had a relationship last at least a year, or if he says all his past partners were inappropriate in one way or another.
4. Don’t act insecure.  His anxiety will cause him to start finding fault with you.
5. Give him healthy space.

Most relationships only last three to six months, and in my experience many of those were high intensity that crashed and burned.  True love takes time to develop, and a person’s issues take a few months to come to the surface.

Everyone has fear on some level; we develop it in our childhood. Be it fears of abandonment, intimacy, commitment, change, rejection, failure, or even fear of success. Unfortunately, most people have no interest in changing their issues until life as they know it becomes unbearable—typically by having their heart broken—which can actually become the best thing that ever happened to you.

Donna wrote this column for DigitalRomanceInc.com

Watch Donna's YouTube Videos:                                                How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic 

How to Get Over a Breakup or Get Your Ex Back