How To Have Healthy Boundaries In Relationships

How many times have you been upset with someone and intended to tell him or her about it, only to have your resolve weaken once you were face-to-face?

Then, instead of maintaining your power, you allowed the other person to dominate the situation. You got caught up in his or her energy and ignored your own intention, allowing your boundaries to collapse.

We teach people how to treat us. If someone disrespects you and you allow it to happen without saying anything, you’ve just taught him or her that it is acceptable behavior and that he or she can continue to behave that way. That person will indeed continue to do so until he or she loses respect for you and leaves. If you overreact and tell that person off, you’ve taught him or her that you’re not in control of your power.

If that person likes drama, he or she will continue to disrespect you, hoping to engage you in future scenes, thus creating a dysfunctional relationship. If someone is healthy, he or she will see your outburst as a huge red flag. He or she will lose interest and move on. However, if you calmly express what was not okay with you and request how you’d like to be treated in the future, you’ll command respect. If you don’t get respect, then you should lose interest and walk away.

Having healthy boundaries means knowing your inner feelings, wants, needs, and limits, as well as fulfilling and enforcing them without hurting others. That means finding your true self and protecting it, no matter what, without needing anyone else’s approval. Enforcing healthy boundaries means not letting anyone else change what you know is right for you.

Donna is now making advice videos for Digital Romance TV

Instinct Or Paranoia? How To Tell…

How do you feel when your partner isn’t with you? Do you worry about who he or she may potentially meet, or might be spending time with? Do you frequently call or text to check-up? Do you need constant contact and reassurance of his or her feelings for you?

How can you know whether you have good instincts that you should trust, or you’re just paranoid and ruining what could be a good thing? Well, unless you’ve chosen to be with a player or known philanderer, it’s most likely your insecurity that’s creating your suspicions.

Paranoia is cancerous to relationships. If you’re afraid your partner doesn’t want you as much as you want him , you’ll usually start to reject him out of insecurity, or you may become needy and smothering—hanging on for dear life.

Common paranoid actions:

1. Reject when you feel rejected. Putting up an emotional wall to protect yourself that prevents you from getting close to someone you truly want.
2. Compete with him or her to prove your worth and show you’re good enough.
3. Manipulate by using guilt or blame, or by playing the victim.
4. Sabotage by creating arguments over nothing or acting out.
5. Jealous of others that you perceive your partner finds more attractive—which only makes you less appealing.
6. Joined at the hip. You want to do everything together and don’t trust him or her out of your sight.
7. You keep your thoughts, needs, and desires to yourself because you fear that if he really knew you, he wouldn’t love you.

All of these actions, conscious or not, drain your energy because they put your happiness in the hands of someone else. When you succumb to your fears by taking insecure action, the result is usually what you fear most: you push him away and he leaves you. Alternately, when you choose to face your fears and accept responsibility for them, you can gain wisdom to make your relationships better.

Start by trying to pinpoint the source of your insecurity. When you catch yourself getting all worked up and wanting to react to something you think is going on…stop! Ask yourself what the facts are. Only respond to what is actually going on, not what you think or fear is happening.

Don’t confuse a pre-programmed response to your own baggage for an instinct. You have to know yourself. Are you highly jealous? Do you hate to be alone? Need a lot of attention? Perhaps you just don’t feel desirable enough. If you’ve been burned before, you’re most likely gun-shy and reacting to your current partner as you did to your ex. Or maybe you have a tendency to cheat, in which case you’re projecting your own behavior on him or her.

Whatever it is, it’s not fair—or healthy. You need to stay in the moment and only react to the reality in front of you. Don’t make everything personal and assume it’s about you. It’s usually not, and that’s ok. Don’t rush things, be patent. You have to stop trying to controlanyone else; you can only control yourself. In all probability the thing making you jealous is low self-esteem. If you don’t truly feel lovable, how can you possibly believe or trust anyone who says he or she loves you?

FDR very wisely said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I could devote an entire book to the symptoms and resolutions of every fear that gets in the way of healthy relationships (Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships describes many of them). But what it all boils down to is love yourself completely and maintain your power. You need to build your self-esteem by giving yourself the attention you crave. And don’t be afraid to show a little vulnerability to the person you love, if he or she loves you it will only make them love you more.

This column was written for DigitalRomanceInc

Are Your Expectations Ruining Your Relationships?

I think the number one cause of heartache and disappointment in relationships is failed expectations.

Expectations are built in several ways: by reading into your man’s behavior, by romanticizing a relationship to be more than it truly is, by wanting something without expressing your needs or by simply ignoring things you are shown or told.

As a relationship coach, a large part of what I do is manage my clients’ expectations. My intention here is to help you become aware of your own expectations so they don’t end up destroying your relationships.

Click here to read the rest of this article on DatingAdvice.com  Donna was a guest blogger for the all-inclusive dating resource site whose experts dispense wisdom on 'all things dating' through how-to-articles, informational studies, reviews, reader questions and more! 

Are You Too Masculine for Your Man?

You’re sexy, confident, and successful; you’re frequently told you’re a great catch.  So why don’t your relationships last?  You may be showing too much masculine energy.

Most women today are good at taking care of themselves.  Many have multiple degrees, high powered jobs, or own their own business.  They’re used to owning their masculine energy at work.  And if you live in an urban city such as New York you probably exhibit masculine energy just to get through the day.  But if you’re attracted to masculine energy men your masculine energy is repelling them.  It’s like trying to push the wrong sides of a magnet together.

Everyone possesses both feminine and masculine qualities.  You need to be aware of which energy you’re portraying because it plays a large role in initial attraction—and maintaining attraction.  You have to decide if you’re primarily masculine or feminine, and then stick with that choice to keep your relationship together.

If a woman shows the masculine energy in the beginning by making the first move and initiating the date she is appealing to a man’s feminine energy.  Opposite energies attract.  After she gets a guy if she then switches to feminine energy by wanting him to take the lead he’s disappointed, and loses interest.  A masculine energy man wouldn’t be interested in anything more than a casual hookup, he wouldn’t stay around long enough to experience her feminine side.

If you want a masculine energy man you can flirt with him to let him know you’re interested (make eye contact, smile, touch his shoulder or arm) but then allow him to ask you out.  Let the man be the man.  Let him initiate the first kiss, when you see each other, and all electronic communication.  Allow him to pursue you.  If you chase him he will run.

Showing your feminine energy will get him, but if you then switch to a lot of masculine energy your man may lose interest—because he wants a feminine energy woman.  I’m not saying that you need to strictly be one or the other, no one ever is.  Couples naturally negotiate to take opposite energies on many actions once inside the relationship.  However, you do need to default to one or the other.

Masculine energy is active.  It exhibits strength, leadership, and rationality.  Feminine energy is passive.  It demonstrates feelings, emotions and creativity.  Traditional relationships were male dominate with a submissive woman.  That’s not a popular notion today, couples want equal partnerships.  But it’s not a business; do not compete with your man, don’t try to control him, and trust him to take care of you metaphorically—even if you’re the bread winner.

I once was at a nightclub with my masculine energy guy when a fight broke out right next to us.  He’s 6’2” and stepped in front of me.  He was blocking my view so I step around him.  He stepped in front of me again and slightly annoyed said, “I’m trying to protect you.”  It’s a basic instinct for most men to want to protect their women.  If we don’t allow them to, they feel emasculated.

Try to become aware of when you choose to take the lead and when you follow or just go with the flow.   Part of being an empowered woman is knowing when to defer to your man.  Stroke his ego and acknowledge him for things he does.  Make him feel needed.  It will make him feel proud of you for all your accomplishments—not intimidated by your actions.

This article was written for DigitalRomanceInc

Are You Sure You Want To Send That E-Mail?

I think it would be great if there could be an app to check the emotional tone of emails before they’re sent, the same way that spell check corrects errors.

Only the perfect app would even go farther to destroy the entire text if it was inappropriate to even be making contact.  If such technology existed more relationships might succeed.

I say that because it’s unbelievable to me how many smart people sabotage potentially good relationships by pouring out their feelings in an email, and then sending it at an illogical time. For instance, when you haven’t heard from your date and you’re trying to create more of a connection.  Or when you’re frustrated about something and you think venting will help build emotional intimacy.  Or even worse you try to plead your case about how you think the relationship works, after he or she already told you they don’t think it does.

And I’m not just talking about hurt or angry feelings, until you’re in a committed relationship positive loving feelings can be harmful too. You may have just gotten home from a great date, and then sent an email to elaborate on a topic you briefly discussed, or confess feelings you weren’t brave enough to say face-to-face. However, that may feel needy or smothering to your potential mate.

Emotional hijackings such as these completely give away your power.  Most people don’t respond well to dramatic or personal information thrown at them randomly. Would you? If you’re feeling insecure or upset about something while you’re not in your date’s company, you have to be patient. Push the pause button!

Regardless of how smart our communication devises may be we still have free will.  So I want to encourage you to go back to communicating the old fashioned way.

You used to have to put your thoughts on paper, put it in an envelope, address it, buy a stamp and take it to a mailbox.  Then it took at least a day to be delivered.  By the time you did all that you also had time to process your feelings, and in most cases you’d lose the desire to send it. Relationships were much simpler then.  You talked in person or on the phone.  Cards and letters were rare and therefore romantic and special.  It’s the draw of immediate delivery that makes email and text so seductive—but also destructive.  If you wouldn’t call to say it, don’t send it electronically!

Writing out your feelings is an excellent way to process them; it will get it off your chest and allow you to stop obsessing. But then put it away.  Review what you wrote the next day when you can have a fresh perspective. If you still feel like you need to share your thoughts it needs to be a two-way conversation so you can be sure your feelings are acknowledged.E-mails will leave you vulnerable because no response is required.

As a woman, you can fall in love and can process your feelings while you’re in the company of your guy. But if you are a right-handed man, you need to step back and take a break from your woman to process your feelings.  Women’s brains and left-handed men’s brains can think and feel at the same time.  Right-handed men can only do one at a time.  So give your right-handed man that space to step back from thinking and switch to feeling.  Don’t invade his space with messages.

If you’re a right-handed man, try to extend some empathy if your woman sends emotional emails or texts that you think are illogical; given a little time, it may feel right.

This column was written for www.DigitalRomanceInc.com

Watch my YouTube video on When NOT to text

Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist

He’s devastatingly charming, mesmerizingly handsome, and has an intoxicating charisma.  He’s telling you how amazing you are and quickly commits to loving you forever.  Have you finally found the love of your life?  Or are you setting yourself up for the heartache that comes with loving a narcissist?

Unfortunately, some pretty amazing women have fallen for narcissists.  Narcissists envy those they perceive as nearly perfect.  In the beginning they can be very seductive and witty.  It’s easy to plunge head over heels for one.  But if you do, don’t count on living happily ever after.  He’s not capable of truly caring for you.

Narcissism is extreme self-absorption.  A narcissist’s brain cannot feel empathy, so it is impossible for a narcissist to achieve real intimacy with anyone.  Outward appearances are what are important to him.  Narcissists usually have tremendously high self-confidence and put themselves on a pedestal, above everyone else.  They belittle those they view as inferior and expect everyone to always go along with them.  However, they suffer from fragile self-esteem.  Self-esteem and self-confidence frequently get mistaken for one another, but they are two separate things.  Self-confidence is the belief in one’s ability to do something, self-esteem is how one feels about oneself; one’s inner dialog.  Narcissists don’t handle criticism well, and within a relationship they commonly become manipulative, controlling, and unfaithful.  They can even become abusive.

A narcissist loves to stroke his own ego.  He will frequently jump from one relationship to the next.  Since he’s not capable of emotional intimacy, he usually can’t sustain a relationship for very long.  If he does, his partner feels incredibly lonely, and ends up giving so much more than she gets.  Here are the signs to look for before you get too caught up in a narcissist’s serving of egocentricity.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Checklist:

___ He talks about himself and monopolizes the conversation.

___ He never asks about you, or never listens when he does.

___ He exaggerates his achievements or talents; acts boastful or conceited.

___ He expects constant praise or adoration.

___ He disregards or diminishes your feelings.

___ He’s demanding of you but isn’t there for you.

___ He puts himself first.

___ He has a sense of entitlement and becomes angry if not treated specially.

___ He’s easily hurt and easily feels rejected; he can’t handle criticism.

___ He has a fragile self-esteem but high self-confidence.

___ He thinks others are jealous of him.

___ He envies others who are successful, attractive, or stylish.

___ He takes advantage of others for his own gain.

___ He wants to have the best of everything and is materialistic.

 Confidence is very attractive; and we all want someone who’s charismatic, charming and handsome.  So how are you supposed to make a good choice?  People can possess various narcissistic tendencies without having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  But if you can check off five or more statements above, you are dating a narcissistic personality.  Get out now!  There is no hope for improvement.  People with NPD are rarely changed even a little bit—and that is if they even want help, which most of them don’t, as they think they’re perfect.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking there is any hope.  Save yourself now; just move on.

Narcissism is more common in men but can affect women too.

This column was written for LoveEngineer.com 

My Partner Cheated On Me…What Do I Do Now?

In the wake of the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal and my appearance on GMA, I’m getting frequent questions about how to handle staying with someone who cheated on you.  To make it work you have to be able to forgive completely.  If you can’t then you have to get out.

Forgiving completely means that you do not nag and you re-establish trust. Unfortunately, after being betrayed most people have a hard time controlling their anger, and they feel insecure.  They want to punish their partner for hurting them, and they want to supervise their every move.

The problem is that nagging will never help you.  Consistently throwing past mistakes in your partner’s face can only produce negative results.  If you choose to do that, you will actually be destroying any love he or she feels for you.  You’ll be making yourself the enemy.  How could anyone feel safe to tell you their feelings (to rebuild emotional intimacy) while you’re criticizing, scolding and checking up on them?

Most importantly, harboring negative feelings will punish you much more than it will punish your partner.  If you are reading their emails and texts, and monitoring all social media communications your suspicious actions are only feeding your own anxiety.

You may think it’s helping you be able to trust again, but I have to tell you that isdestroying trust.  The tighter you try to hold on to someone the more you push them away.  Conversely, if you maintain your power, knowing without a doubt how valuable you are, your partner will have incentive to love you exclusively again.

Now, I am certainly not implying your partner gets a free pass for being dishonest and unfaithful.  I’m trying to help you see that how you behave is equally as important as what he or she does; and that you cannot control anyone but yourself.  When a couple chooses to stay together after such a betrayal there is a lot of hard work to be done for each of you.  You have to focus on what you truly want, and not just give in to venting your hurt feelings.  Venting is actually perpetuating your negative emotions.  Your goal is to make your relationship better.

My favorite saying is, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”  It’s so simple yet so true. Sometimes cheating is a wakeup call that things needed to change.  If you genuinely loveeach other and want to be together then your relationship can become better than ever, your emotional intimacy can actually become deeper.

We are all creatures of habit.  As you move forward you need to create new habits for behavior; it’s much easier to replace an undesired habit with a desirable action rather than just try to stop it.  So the next time you get the impulse to nag, pause, ask yourself what is the vulnerable feeling underneath your anger, and share that with your partner instead.  I think you’ll find you’ll get a much better response.

Immediately after learning you’ve been cheated on you start the grieving process.  Grief has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  Everyone goes through them at a different pace and in a different order.  Give yourself some timeand space to grieve before even trying to make your relationship work.  Keep your thoughts in the present; try not to look back. 

After that if you cannot truly forgive and move forward, then you need to leave the relationship and let go.  A good relationship will nurture your self-esteem and make you happy, a bad one drains your energy and causes you stress.  How does your relationship make you feel?

This column was written for http://digitalromanceinc.com/mens/my-partner-cheated-on-me-what-do-i-do-now/

Watch me on GMA: Donna Barnes on GMA: What is Cheating?

Check out my video: How to Recognize a Cheater

What Do You Do When the ONE You Wanted Marries Someone Else?

“He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person; she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me.” 

Meg Ryan’s line from When Harry Met Sally speaks for many women. Or maybe your ONE did know he wanted to get married, but started picking you apart and finding fault just when everything got really great. Then most likely his next relationship was with someone who had the qualities he perceived to be missing with you—because that is what he convinced himself he needed most.   

I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but for someone with commitment issues the better the relationship the more anxiety they feel. It’s much easier for them to make a commitment to someone who looks good on paper and is a good intellectual choice, but less of an intense “love of my life” connection. One man flat out said to me, “Am I head over heels in love with her? No, but I like it that way. It works.” They had commonality, and he really liked her. She didn’t stimulate his commitment anxiety.

Many people would call that settling. Commitmentphobes think it’s smart. Did you see the movie Moonstruck? Cher’s character Loretta announced she was going to marry Johnny Camareri (played by Danny Aiello) her mom Rose (played by Olivia Dukakis) asked:

Rose: Do you love him?

Loretta: No

Rose: Good

But when she announced she was going to marry Johnny’s brother Ronny (Nicholas Cage) instead:

Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?

Loretta: Aw, ma, I love him awful.

Rose: Oh, God, that's too bad.

What I’m trying to say is that just because someone gets married doesn’t mean they married the love of their life. You may still be their true love; you were just too scary for them to deal with. What’s most important is that you don’t allow it to make you feel bad about yourself, or prevent you from finding happiness with someone else.  Your perception is your reality, so you need to decide that he settled, and even if you’re still single you’re happy, because you’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.

Both men and women get married for all sorts of reasons other than finding their true ONE. They may have been burned by love, and think it’s too painful to open up to trying again.  They may succumb to the peer pressure that all their colleagues are married and it looks better professionally. Or their biological clock may be ticking and they found somebody willing to become a parent. But for someone who has unacknowledged commitment issues they don’t know how they will feel about falling head over heels in love or getting married until they do it—and then their anxiety can become overwhelming.

Let’s face it; marriage isn’t what it used to be. It’s become easily expendable. The odds are against them that they will stay married till death—especially if one or both of them didn’t really know themselves (or each other) before they made any promises or vows. Sex & the City’s Carrie and Big were based on real life people. Big (who clearly had commitment issues) married a socialite after only knowing her for 5 months. Carrie was heartbroken. But in the end Big came back to Carrie finally telling her, “You’re the one.”

That frequently happens in life too. However by no means should you wait if your love married someone else! Take comfort in knowing that if he had married you first, you may have been the one he ultimately divorced. Decide that you dodged a bullet, and that you are the amazing catch that got away! Move on with your life feeling empowered.

This column was written for LoveEngineer.com

Watch Donna's Video How to be Happy Without a Relationship

Confidence is More Important than Looks

What is your core belief about yourself?  Do you feel smart?  Successful?  Talented?  
Do you feel sexy?  

A male client came to me to get help getting girls. More specifically, he wanted to get them to have sex with him.  He was intelligent and very accomplished in his career, for that he was highly confident. But the only women that he'd had sex with were professionals that he had paid. His core belief was that he was unattractive to women.  He had worked with another coach and tagged along with a handsome friend who had mastered picking up girls on the street. He was trying to learn the skills of having "game". It was clear to me that he just needed to change his thinking.

The first girl he ended up taking to bed he wasn't even going to call again after their first date. He had decided that she wasn't interested in him. But as he told me about their evening together I thought it went really well. I encouraged him to ask her out again. He was pleasantly surprised and overjoyed when she allowed him to seduce her on their second date. He started to recognize that his thoughts were his only obstacle.  

He said, "The day after I got laid the first time I had a weird feeling, like a mixture of calmness, disbelief, hope etc because I had previously felt like I couldn't manage it and I had this overwhelming feeling like I'd somehow beaten my mind as it could no longer tell me, "You can't get laid". 

Yesterday he sent me the following email. He gave me permission to share it with you:

"You probably remember I was very hung up on my height because I'm short at 5'4''.  Having got laid more than I imagined was possible since we started working together, I have a much healthier set of beliefs about myself." 

"I love how you can be honest and direct with women and the result is almost always positive. Last week I met a gorgeous 6'2'' girl, and when I asked her out she said I was too short for her. I replied calmly saying, I love sexy tall women and she should give me her number anyway. She did. Last night I took her out for drinks and then took her home! It was so easy. She didn't really care that I was short. After sex she told me I was indeed the shortest guy she'd been with, but she loved how confident I was, and when I replied calmly and honestly (rather than some reactionary aggressive line) she thought she'd give me a chance. She said that in the past she found short guys to be lacking confidence and sometimes trying to compensate and that's what initially put her off rather than the actual height, which she didn't care about, at all!

She also said that as soon as I met her on the first date, walked in and smiled at her, she knew she'd like to go home with me. This is reality shattering, Donna! A 6'2'' girl sees a 5'4'' guy and thinks he's sexy.  WTF! I've spent so much of my life telling myself I'm too short for the girls I really want, and you know what, that attitude and that attitude alone was what was stopping me (but of course, you knew that already).  Some girls don't care what height you are. (and she was gorgeous, German, 6'2'', leggy, and more importantly for me she knew she was sexy and didn't lack confidence) I can no longer tell myself it's impossible to get tall girls."

Your perception is your reality. Whatever you’re thinking or feeling about yourself on the inside will be the energy you project on the outside. You are what you think you are. Therefore, everyone else thinks that of you too. So if you’re thinking, “She’d never be interested in me,” that’s why she’s not. However, if you’re thinking, “I can get anyone I want,” then you will.

Watch You Are What You Think You Are

Interview with Donna Barnes by Sheena LaShay

“Do you think you’ll ever be in a traditional relationship or have a life partner?” My best friend asked me that a few days ago. A few friends ask me…a lot. I don’t have a “traditional” answer to that question. I date multiple men. I’m not so sure about marriage. I never want kids. And….I absolutely love my life.

This is usually why I skip the self help love section of the bookstore. Aside from a few bad dates that make for excellent stories later, I’ve got to say I have a pretty good life.

But during ladies night out….during the moments before dance class when we gossip about our own lives and right after he doesn’t call back, the chatter abounds. About men. About why it didn’t work out. About him not being into her. About why she keeps dating a jerk. About why she isn’t married yet. And no matter the amount of advice I dish out, the stories of lost love, broken love, and heartache keep coming up with my friends.

I’m no life coach or therapist. I can only attest to what has worked for me. BUT, I recently had the opportunity to read an intriguing and thought provoking book that may be exactly what all my girlfriends need to purchase. That would be, “Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices” by Donna Barnes. And lucky for you dear loves, I had the chance to interview this captivating woman. Keep reading!  (Men can read this book too. Its for all of us.)

First let’s start with three quotes among the MANY that I’ve come to love.

“When you truly accept that the only person you can and need to change is you, you’ll find happiness.” ~ Donna Barnes

“Start taking notice of anything you blame someone else for, and find your own responsibility for it instead.” ~ Donna Barnes

“I believe fear is the root of all relationship problems. The most common fears are fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, fear of change, fear of rejection, fear of failure and even fear of success.” ~ Donna Barnes

This interview is long. Its worth reading, so go grab some tea and enjoy this article. Whether you’re single and enjoying it, looking for companionship or even married, there’s something in it for everyone. I’m not necessarily seeking a boyfriend or husband, but this book made it apparent that I needed to cut things off from one of the men I was dating a few months back. It was a great push to do so and I’m glad her book spurred me to action.

                                                  

SLY: Your book appears to have undertones of Zen Buddhist philosophy & psychology, at least to me. Aside from your life experiences, what inspires your philosophy and general outlook on life?

Donna: I was fortunate to have an amazing Dad who had a Master’s in education. He taught me to always find the lesson in things, also that I could do anything if I worked hard enough.  Yet, most of us resist what our parents try to teach us (at least while we’re young) and I have to admit I didn’t appreciate my Dad’s influence until around 30.  Things started to not go as well and I discovered seeking knowledge could make my life better.  We definitely learn more from the things we didn’t do right, but it could save us from some heartache if we could truly hear what knowledgeable people tell us.  Years later I frequently called my Dad to say, “You know, I get that now.”  I’m sorry to say I lost him in 2000 but he is still a very strong influence on who I am.

I am utterly fascinated by human behavior and the psychology of why people do what they do.  An acting teacher in the 1990’s asked me to read Zen and the Art of Archery, and an NYU professor suggested Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh.  I love the Buddhist philosophy, it’s so simple yet effective and if everyone subscribed to it this would be a much more compassionate world.

SLY: Pretty early on in this book, you state that if someone uses your book to reclaim their own power, they’ll be a magnet for someone fabulous. Have you ever received claims that your book wasn’t helpful at all? (On my second day of reading it, by the way, I found it extremely helpful and ended one of the dating relationships I had with someone.)

Donna: So far everyone I have heard from has found something in my book that they identified with.  Even some friends that only read it to proof read for me came back to tell me about what resonated for them.  I really wanted there to be something for everyone and I’m excited to be helping so many people.  Thank you for telling me I helped you decide to end a relationship. Good for you!  I promise you as you demand better for yourself you’ll attract better lovers.  By the way, I find people who are not open to change generally do not read self-help books.  I’m hoping my food metaphor can inspire some of those people to give it a try.



SLY: A lot of your advice is action based. For instance, if its working, its working and if its not working and either party isn’t willing to change, you advise that we should dump the person. I agree but why do you think so many people go back or stay in bad situations aside from the fact that its addictive. Underneath all the drama, why do you think men and women stay in crappy situations? I feel like its more than low self esteem and that their daddy divorced their mother when they were three. What else is underneath our distorted views of relationships?

Donna: What I frequently hear from people in bad relationships is that they have never had that kind of connection with anyone else.  It makes me cringe when I hear a person call someone who is treating them badly the love of their life.  I always tell them  the love of your life should make you feel loved—not make you miserable.  People hang on to the fantasy of what the relationship was in the beginning.  They hold on to the romanticized early memories and hope with all of their heart that is who their lover truly is.  But that’s not the case.   For the first 3-6 months of a new relationship a person can be swept up in the excitement which suppresses their personal issues.  Once that period ends and the relationship settles into being normal their true issues come to the surface.  Without conscious effort the relationship will never be good again. Lack of strong boundaries and a high tolerance to dysfunctional behavior is the deeper reason people stay in bad relationships.  We subconsciously seek out partners who have the same characteristics as our caretakers so if one or both of your parents were dysfunctional, a dysfunctional partner seems normal. It’s comfortable.  It’s the devil you know.  


SLY: In one part of the book that deals with  “the compassionate way” versus “the combative way” you provide examples of both. For instance, a combative comment is “I can never get a straight answer from you,”  when the more truthful and compassionate comment is “I feel insecure when you’re not open with me.” That’s a huge difference. A lot of what I’m reading centers on defensiveness, expectations and ego. A lot of people struggle with this. Why do you think this is so? Why are we so defensive? Why would we rather blame “them”?

Donna:  It feels very vulnerable to admit fault or that you’re not perfect.  If you allow yourself to feel vulnerable you risk getting hurt.  That’s scary.  Being defensive and assigning blame are protection tactics, and to a large degree leftovers from childhood.  A child is very selfish because their brain hasn’t developed out of the “it’s all about me” stage, that’s why young children need to be taught to share.  As adults much of what we do is because of habit. If you never took initiative to change the habit of being defensive and blaming someone else then that is most likely where it is coming from.  Additionally, if you have been criticized by people you love that can also cause you to be defensive, no one likes to be scolded—no matter how old you are.  The best way to break a habit is to replace it with something else.  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable makes you much easier to communicate with.  If you don’t feel safe to be vulnerable with your partner than you’re with the wrong person.

Expectations are more fantasy based.  We all develop mental plans for how we want our life to go, but life doesn’t usually workout the way we imagine.  I like the saying, “Life is what happens while we’re making other plans.”  Our preconceived ideas of how things should be frequently get in the way of enjoying what is.  When my cousin got married she didn’t put any expectations on how it would turn out.  She said when the florist asked what she wanted she simply responded, “Something pretty.”  She chose a color scheme but that was all.   The florist was thrilled to have that kind of freedom and the flowers were gorgeous.  My cousin was delighted with what she saw when she arrived.  Too many brides try to control everything and then are angry when it’s not perfect.  Do you want to be angry on your wedding day?  Expectations are also about control.  Trying to control everything will always leave you frustrated or disappointed.  It’s very scary for many people to let go of control.  Again, it’s about allowing yourself to be vulnerable—and therefor happy.



SLY: Why do you say that a little jealousy can be cute and make you feel loved? I was a little taken aback by reading that statement.

Donna: I don’t mean jealous actions are ever cute.  I’m sorry if that was misleading.  I just meant that an occasional insecure comment as you’re getting to know each other and falling in love can be reassuring of your partner’s feelings for you.   But as you get closer and real trust is developed those insecurities should go away.

SLY: This statement, “ Self-confidence is not the same thing as self-esteem. Self-confidence is your belief in your ability to do things. Self-esteem is your perception of your own worth. Going after a meal who is taken by someone else indicates you don’t value yourself enough to want a healthy meal.” Just Wow. What has been people’s reaction to this portion of your book?

Donna:  It’s an epiphany for many people to learn there is a difference between confidence and self-esteem.  Many confident people have low self-esteem, so to separate the two allows for some deeper self-discovery, and in the long run becoming happier within themselves.

SLY: Can you explain what you mean by saying making first contact is “exhibiting masculine energy?” According to whom? That section in your book also was a bit jarring. Up until that point the book seemed to relate to either a man or woman in any dynamic situation. That section had an undertone of certain things a woman “should do” and certain things a man “should do.” You also wrote, “For men, you are responsible for initiating communication.” And you wrote, “Unless you want a masculine energy woman who will always take the lead, be the man by taking the traditional lead in communication” Can you explain more of your philosophy regarding this? (To be fair, I’d also like to say that I believe both men and women have “masculine” and “feminine” energy. And being a whole person, to me, is about the balance of both within myself. Sometimes I initiate things and something I don’t. The same with the men that I date. As I read your book, there seems to be some “definite” and warnings as it relates to a women communicating and I’m finding it hard to identify with such a strict and definite view. )

Donna: You are correct; everyone possesses both feminine and masculine qualities, and couples do naturally negotiate to take opposite energies on many actions once inside the relationship.  What I was trying to say is that today’s women frequently exhibit too much masculine energy in either the beginning of relationships, or they change into it after they get comfortable.  If you start a relationship showing only the feminine energy but then switch to a lot of masculine energy your man may lose interest—because he likes a feminine energy woman.  Also vice versa, if a woman shows the masculine energy (by making the first move and initiating the date) then switches to feminine energy after she gets the guy he’s disappointed, and confused why he lost interest.  I’m not saying that you need to strictly be one or the other, no one ever is.  I’m saying you need to be aware of the energy you’re portraying because it plays a large role in initial attraction, and maintaining attraction.  Many masculine energy woman like masculine energy men, but they repel them like the wrong sides of a magnet trying to be pushed together.

I once was at a nightclub with my masculine energy guy when a fight broke out right next to us.  He’s 6’2” and stepped in front of me.  He was blocking my view so I step around him.  He stepped in front of me again and slightly annoyed said, “I’m trying to protect you.”  That’s a basic instinct for most men.  They want to protect their women.  If we don’t allow them to, they feel emasculated.  It’s good you’re already aware of when you choose to take the lead and when not too.  Make sure you’re making a choice that works for your partner—that’s one of the compromises that relationships require to stay happy.  Dr. Pat Allen wrote a wonderful book called Getting to I Do that explains masculine and feminine energy in depth.



SLY: Throughout the book you say, “Don’t Give Away Your Power.” Why is power important?

Donna:  Your power is directly linked to your self-esteem.  Power also helps to protect you and keep you safe.  When you are empowered your personal bar is set high, you don’t disgrace yourself or put up with bad behavior.  Like attracts like, when you are empowered you attract an empowered partner.

SLY: I’ll tell you, I least identified with the sex i.e., “comfort food” portion of your book. Things such as “sex makes you stupid” or reading “you’re making smart choices about sex.” as one of the grades to what seemed to be a very subjective test were a bit extreme and bias to me. Most of your test, I thought were fairly reasonable but the sex test seemed very loop sided.

Donna:  I’m sorry you feel you didn’t identify with the comfort food section, however since you said in question #4 that you are sometimes defensive I would venture to say perhaps it actually struck a nerve for you.  Many times we don’t like things because subconscious we don’t like those same things about ourselves.  Just saying it’s something to consider. (This made me smile, in a good way. ~ SLY)

SLY: Why do you imply that a woman who has sex early in the relationship doesn’t value her sexuality?

Donna: I don’t say that blanketly.  If a woman connects with a man on an emotional level and is clear about what she wants from a relationship, and then chooses to have sex early in the relationship, that can be an empowered choice.  However, and I am not saying this as a judgment—if a woman has sex easily with every man she’s attracted to before truly getting to know him, then that is an indicator that she doesn’t value her sexuality.  There can be many reasons why that is.  Perhaps she was sexually abused as a child (1 in 4 girls, and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before age 18), perhaps sex is how she feels loved, or attractive; perhaps she needs to control sex, or control her partner by using sex.  By saying “sex makes you stupid” I’m trying to provoke a reaction in woman.  I want woman to make conscious choices about who they give their bodies to.  If you have ever had a hot one night stand (a single serving) and then felt badly when you never saw him again, I want to help you figure out why.  My greatest wish for women is that they will always feel empowered with the choices they make.  Having said that, if you’re completely happy with your sex and love life than it’s all good.  You just have to be honest with yourself about what you truly want.           

SLY: Why do you imply that if a man only wants sex from a woman, that he has no respect for her?

Donna:  Because I coach men who tell me they have no interest in certain woman other than having sex with them.  They have been as blunt to say, “I’d fuck her but I’m not interested in a relationship.”  Men are very visual, they are turned on visually.  So if they see a girl they think is hot they can purely lust for her, desiring nothing more.  Respect has to be earned.  I’m not saying you can’t earn it if you slept together on the first date; however I am saying that is the exception not the norm.

SLY: Why do you believe a person should wait to start sexual intimacy? How long should they wait? And why is sexual intimacy placed on a different scale than other forms of intimacy?

Donna:  Emotional intimacy takes longer to develop.  If you have already connected emotionally, sex is so much more meaningful—and loving.  I clearly wrote if you’re just looking to have fun then have sex whenever you feel like it.  But if you are truly ready for a long-term relationship then taking the time to get to know each other will help you decide if you have made a good choice or not.  You can save yourself unnecessary heartache by waiting.  Without repeating the whole chapter here, men and women have different chemicals in their brains, and they process feelings differently.  You need to give a man enough time to catch up to you emotionally.  That may be 3 dates, it may be 10 dates, or it may be 6 months.  You have to be true to yourself and do what feels right for you.  Also, throughout the whole book I describe many different types of personality disorders and phobias that all possess the quality of rushing into relationships quickly.   By simply delaying intimacy you can weed out many undesirables and people who are simply incapable of truly intimate relationships.



SLY: I agree with you when you say, “Don’t play hard-to-get if you want a well-balanced meal.” You relate this to healthy communication but earlier in the book you insist on women waiting to have sex, even if they want it. There was even a quote about trying to “make him want to wait for you.” Can you explain the conflicting message in this?

Donna:  Waiting to have sex is not about playing hard-to-get.  It’s about equalizing the playing field.  Women think and feel at the same time, men have to go away to feel their feelings.  The chemicals in a woman’s brain make her bond through sex, the chemicals in a man’s brain provide a momentary burst of ecstasy and then he goes back to reality.  He has no fuzzy after glow.  That’s where the term “coyote ugly” stems from—after he has sex he’s done with the girl—unless the feeling part of his brain has grown attached to her—he needs to have space from her for him to feel.  A woman who is physically stunning can become coyote ugly real quick after he achieves orgasm.  When I said make him want to wait for you I meant make him fall in love with you.  Make him enjoy your company.  It’s old fashioned courtship at its best.  When a man is happy just to be with you then it’s safe to have sex with him (without fear of him never coming back). 

SLY: This isn’t a question. I just wanted to restate this from the book, “Only 5 percent of relationships that begin as an affair survive. It truly isn’t worth it to go through all that drama and dysfunction for such a slim chance at winning a lying cheater.” ALSO THIS – “No matter what he is telling her [the other woman], his marriage is fulfilling him in some way; otherwise, he would have already left on his own. People do what they want to do. He wants to be with his wife; he just wants his mistress too. If you are dating a married man I know this is hard to hear, but he is absolutely still having sex with his wife, and he is enjoying it! If you are saying to yourself that your man is different, you’re kidding yourself. He’s just a really good liar.”

Donna:  Thank you for restating that!  Unfortunately most people involved in a triangle type relationship have a hard time hearing that.

SLY: You mentioned that a person choosing to be in an affair with a married person usually does it for two reasons. Low self-esteem or Commitmentphobia. I never looked at it that black and white before. I’m sure you get many people who justify their “relationship” with a married person. They say its different. That its really love. That its complicated. What do you have to say to them?

Donna:  I try to tell them to put themselves first.  They are usually so focused on their lover they have lost sight of the reality that he or she is unavailable.  I really like the saying, “If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s yours, if not it never was.”  I encourage them to let their lover go, to tell him or her that if they can be exclusive he or she can come back.  Unfortunately most people in an affair don’t listen, such as the woman I wrote about in my book.  I have never had a client come to me to ask for help ending an affair, only to ask for help how to get their lover to leave their other relationship.  That’s why I’m happy you restated part of my “Forbidden Fruit” chapter.

SLY:  Throughout your book you repeat things such as “Trust your instincts,” “Value yourself,” “Protect your heart,” “People don’t change unless they want to.” When I came across these sections in this book it showed how your book was more than a relationship book. It comes across as a life lessons book. A book on how to love yourself. This is something I like about the book. Was this intentional? Do you intentionally repeat those phrases over and over?

Donna:  Thank you!  Yes, Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships is also intended as a life lessons book.  I am a life & relationship coach.  When one area of your life is out of sorts it pulls on all the other areas.  You have to be happy and love yourself before you can be happy with someone else.  So my hope for this book is to help millions of people create happy lives and relationships for themselves.

This interview is posted on Sheena LaSha's Blog:  http://sheenalashay.com/2013/07/giving-up-junk-food-relationships/

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