My Partner Cheated On Me…What Do I Do Now?

In the wake of the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal and my appearance on GMA, I’m getting frequent questions about how to handle staying with someone who cheated on you.  To make it work you have to be able to forgive completely.  If you can’t then you have to get out.

Forgiving completely means that you do not nag and you re-establish trust. Unfortunately, after being betrayed most people have a hard time controlling their anger, and they feel insecure.  They want to punish their partner for hurting them, and they want to supervise their every move.

The problem is that nagging will never help you.  Consistently throwing past mistakes in your partner’s face can only produce negative results.  If you choose to do that, you will actually be destroying any love he or she feels for you.  You’ll be making yourself the enemy.  How could anyone feel safe to tell you their feelings (to rebuild emotional intimacy) while you’re criticizing, scolding and checking up on them?

Most importantly, harboring negative feelings will punish you much more than it will punish your partner.  If you are reading their emails and texts, and monitoring all social media communications your suspicious actions are only feeding your own anxiety.

You may think it’s helping you be able to trust again, but I have to tell you that isdestroying trust.  The tighter you try to hold on to someone the more you push them away.  Conversely, if you maintain your power, knowing without a doubt how valuable you are, your partner will have incentive to love you exclusively again.

Now, I am certainly not implying your partner gets a free pass for being dishonest and unfaithful.  I’m trying to help you see that how you behave is equally as important as what he or she does; and that you cannot control anyone but yourself.  When a couple chooses to stay together after such a betrayal there is a lot of hard work to be done for each of you.  You have to focus on what you truly want, and not just give in to venting your hurt feelings.  Venting is actually perpetuating your negative emotions.  Your goal is to make your relationship better.

My favorite saying is, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”  It’s so simple yet so true. Sometimes cheating is a wakeup call that things needed to change.  If you genuinely loveeach other and want to be together then your relationship can become better than ever, your emotional intimacy can actually become deeper.

We are all creatures of habit.  As you move forward you need to create new habits for behavior; it’s much easier to replace an undesired habit with a desirable action rather than just try to stop it.  So the next time you get the impulse to nag, pause, ask yourself what is the vulnerable feeling underneath your anger, and share that with your partner instead.  I think you’ll find you’ll get a much better response.

Immediately after learning you’ve been cheated on you start the grieving process.  Grief has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  Everyone goes through them at a different pace and in a different order.  Give yourself some timeand space to grieve before even trying to make your relationship work.  Keep your thoughts in the present; try not to look back. 

After that if you cannot truly forgive and move forward, then you need to leave the relationship and let go.  A good relationship will nurture your self-esteem and make you happy, a bad one drains your energy and causes you stress.  How does your relationship make you feel?

This column was written for http://digitalromanceinc.com/mens/my-partner-cheated-on-me-what-do-i-do-now/

Watch me on GMA: Donna Barnes on GMA: What is Cheating?

Check out my video: How to Recognize a Cheater

Confidence is More Important than Looks

What is your core belief about yourself?  Do you feel smart?  Successful?  Talented?  
Do you feel sexy?  

A male client came to me to get help getting girls. More specifically, he wanted to get them to have sex with him.  He was intelligent and very accomplished in his career, for that he was highly confident. But the only women that he'd had sex with were professionals that he had paid. His core belief was that he was unattractive to women.  He had worked with another coach and tagged along with a handsome friend who had mastered picking up girls on the street. He was trying to learn the skills of having "game". It was clear to me that he just needed to change his thinking.

The first girl he ended up taking to bed he wasn't even going to call again after their first date. He had decided that she wasn't interested in him. But as he told me about their evening together I thought it went really well. I encouraged him to ask her out again. He was pleasantly surprised and overjoyed when she allowed him to seduce her on their second date. He started to recognize that his thoughts were his only obstacle.  

He said, "The day after I got laid the first time I had a weird feeling, like a mixture of calmness, disbelief, hope etc because I had previously felt like I couldn't manage it and I had this overwhelming feeling like I'd somehow beaten my mind as it could no longer tell me, "You can't get laid". 

Yesterday he sent me the following email. He gave me permission to share it with you:

"You probably remember I was very hung up on my height because I'm short at 5'4''.  Having got laid more than I imagined was possible since we started working together, I have a much healthier set of beliefs about myself." 

"I love how you can be honest and direct with women and the result is almost always positive. Last week I met a gorgeous 6'2'' girl, and when I asked her out she said I was too short for her. I replied calmly saying, I love sexy tall women and she should give me her number anyway. She did. Last night I took her out for drinks and then took her home! It was so easy. She didn't really care that I was short. After sex she told me I was indeed the shortest guy she'd been with, but she loved how confident I was, and when I replied calmly and honestly (rather than some reactionary aggressive line) she thought she'd give me a chance. She said that in the past she found short guys to be lacking confidence and sometimes trying to compensate and that's what initially put her off rather than the actual height, which she didn't care about, at all!

She also said that as soon as I met her on the first date, walked in and smiled at her, she knew she'd like to go home with me. This is reality shattering, Donna! A 6'2'' girl sees a 5'4'' guy and thinks he's sexy.  WTF! I've spent so much of my life telling myself I'm too short for the girls I really want, and you know what, that attitude and that attitude alone was what was stopping me (but of course, you knew that already).  Some girls don't care what height you are. (and she was gorgeous, German, 6'2'', leggy, and more importantly for me she knew she was sexy and didn't lack confidence) I can no longer tell myself it's impossible to get tall girls."

Your perception is your reality. Whatever you’re thinking or feeling about yourself on the inside will be the energy you project on the outside. You are what you think you are. Therefore, everyone else thinks that of you too. So if you’re thinking, “She’d never be interested in me,” that’s why she’s not. However, if you’re thinking, “I can get anyone I want,” then you will.

Watch You Are What You Think You Are

Interview with Donna Barnes by Sheena LaShay

“Do you think you’ll ever be in a traditional relationship or have a life partner?” My best friend asked me that a few days ago. A few friends ask me…a lot. I don’t have a “traditional” answer to that question. I date multiple men. I’m not so sure about marriage. I never want kids. And….I absolutely love my life.

This is usually why I skip the self help love section of the bookstore. Aside from a few bad dates that make for excellent stories later, I’ve got to say I have a pretty good life.

But during ladies night out….during the moments before dance class when we gossip about our own lives and right after he doesn’t call back, the chatter abounds. About men. About why it didn’t work out. About him not being into her. About why she keeps dating a jerk. About why she isn’t married yet. And no matter the amount of advice I dish out, the stories of lost love, broken love, and heartache keep coming up with my friends.

I’m no life coach or therapist. I can only attest to what has worked for me. BUT, I recently had the opportunity to read an intriguing and thought provoking book that may be exactly what all my girlfriends need to purchase. That would be, “Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices” by Donna Barnes. And lucky for you dear loves, I had the chance to interview this captivating woman. Keep reading!  (Men can read this book too. Its for all of us.)

First let’s start with three quotes among the MANY that I’ve come to love.

“When you truly accept that the only person you can and need to change is you, you’ll find happiness.” ~ Donna Barnes

“Start taking notice of anything you blame someone else for, and find your own responsibility for it instead.” ~ Donna Barnes

“I believe fear is the root of all relationship problems. The most common fears are fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, fear of change, fear of rejection, fear of failure and even fear of success.” ~ Donna Barnes

This interview is long. Its worth reading, so go grab some tea and enjoy this article. Whether you’re single and enjoying it, looking for companionship or even married, there’s something in it for everyone. I’m not necessarily seeking a boyfriend or husband, but this book made it apparent that I needed to cut things off from one of the men I was dating a few months back. It was a great push to do so and I’m glad her book spurred me to action.

                                                  

SLY: Your book appears to have undertones of Zen Buddhist philosophy & psychology, at least to me. Aside from your life experiences, what inspires your philosophy and general outlook on life?

Donna: I was fortunate to have an amazing Dad who had a Master’s in education. He taught me to always find the lesson in things, also that I could do anything if I worked hard enough.  Yet, most of us resist what our parents try to teach us (at least while we’re young) and I have to admit I didn’t appreciate my Dad’s influence until around 30.  Things started to not go as well and I discovered seeking knowledge could make my life better.  We definitely learn more from the things we didn’t do right, but it could save us from some heartache if we could truly hear what knowledgeable people tell us.  Years later I frequently called my Dad to say, “You know, I get that now.”  I’m sorry to say I lost him in 2000 but he is still a very strong influence on who I am.

I am utterly fascinated by human behavior and the psychology of why people do what they do.  An acting teacher in the 1990’s asked me to read Zen and the Art of Archery, and an NYU professor suggested Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh.  I love the Buddhist philosophy, it’s so simple yet effective and if everyone subscribed to it this would be a much more compassionate world.

SLY: Pretty early on in this book, you state that if someone uses your book to reclaim their own power, they’ll be a magnet for someone fabulous. Have you ever received claims that your book wasn’t helpful at all? (On my second day of reading it, by the way, I found it extremely helpful and ended one of the dating relationships I had with someone.)

Donna: So far everyone I have heard from has found something in my book that they identified with.  Even some friends that only read it to proof read for me came back to tell me about what resonated for them.  I really wanted there to be something for everyone and I’m excited to be helping so many people.  Thank you for telling me I helped you decide to end a relationship. Good for you!  I promise you as you demand better for yourself you’ll attract better lovers.  By the way, I find people who are not open to change generally do not read self-help books.  I’m hoping my food metaphor can inspire some of those people to give it a try.



SLY: A lot of your advice is action based. For instance, if its working, its working and if its not working and either party isn’t willing to change, you advise that we should dump the person. I agree but why do you think so many people go back or stay in bad situations aside from the fact that its addictive. Underneath all the drama, why do you think men and women stay in crappy situations? I feel like its more than low self esteem and that their daddy divorced their mother when they were three. What else is underneath our distorted views of relationships?

Donna: What I frequently hear from people in bad relationships is that they have never had that kind of connection with anyone else.  It makes me cringe when I hear a person call someone who is treating them badly the love of their life.  I always tell them  the love of your life should make you feel loved—not make you miserable.  People hang on to the fantasy of what the relationship was in the beginning.  They hold on to the romanticized early memories and hope with all of their heart that is who their lover truly is.  But that’s not the case.   For the first 3-6 months of a new relationship a person can be swept up in the excitement which suppresses their personal issues.  Once that period ends and the relationship settles into being normal their true issues come to the surface.  Without conscious effort the relationship will never be good again. Lack of strong boundaries and a high tolerance to dysfunctional behavior is the deeper reason people stay in bad relationships.  We subconsciously seek out partners who have the same characteristics as our caretakers so if one or both of your parents were dysfunctional, a dysfunctional partner seems normal. It’s comfortable.  It’s the devil you know.  


SLY: In one part of the book that deals with  “the compassionate way” versus “the combative way” you provide examples of both. For instance, a combative comment is “I can never get a straight answer from you,”  when the more truthful and compassionate comment is “I feel insecure when you’re not open with me.” That’s a huge difference. A lot of what I’m reading centers on defensiveness, expectations and ego. A lot of people struggle with this. Why do you think this is so? Why are we so defensive? Why would we rather blame “them”?

Donna:  It feels very vulnerable to admit fault or that you’re not perfect.  If you allow yourself to feel vulnerable you risk getting hurt.  That’s scary.  Being defensive and assigning blame are protection tactics, and to a large degree leftovers from childhood.  A child is very selfish because their brain hasn’t developed out of the “it’s all about me” stage, that’s why young children need to be taught to share.  As adults much of what we do is because of habit. If you never took initiative to change the habit of being defensive and blaming someone else then that is most likely where it is coming from.  Additionally, if you have been criticized by people you love that can also cause you to be defensive, no one likes to be scolded—no matter how old you are.  The best way to break a habit is to replace it with something else.  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable makes you much easier to communicate with.  If you don’t feel safe to be vulnerable with your partner than you’re with the wrong person.

Expectations are more fantasy based.  We all develop mental plans for how we want our life to go, but life doesn’t usually workout the way we imagine.  I like the saying, “Life is what happens while we’re making other plans.”  Our preconceived ideas of how things should be frequently get in the way of enjoying what is.  When my cousin got married she didn’t put any expectations on how it would turn out.  She said when the florist asked what she wanted she simply responded, “Something pretty.”  She chose a color scheme but that was all.   The florist was thrilled to have that kind of freedom and the flowers were gorgeous.  My cousin was delighted with what she saw when she arrived.  Too many brides try to control everything and then are angry when it’s not perfect.  Do you want to be angry on your wedding day?  Expectations are also about control.  Trying to control everything will always leave you frustrated or disappointed.  It’s very scary for many people to let go of control.  Again, it’s about allowing yourself to be vulnerable—and therefor happy.



SLY: Why do you say that a little jealousy can be cute and make you feel loved? I was a little taken aback by reading that statement.

Donna: I don’t mean jealous actions are ever cute.  I’m sorry if that was misleading.  I just meant that an occasional insecure comment as you’re getting to know each other and falling in love can be reassuring of your partner’s feelings for you.   But as you get closer and real trust is developed those insecurities should go away.

SLY: This statement, “ Self-confidence is not the same thing as self-esteem. Self-confidence is your belief in your ability to do things. Self-esteem is your perception of your own worth. Going after a meal who is taken by someone else indicates you don’t value yourself enough to want a healthy meal.” Just Wow. What has been people’s reaction to this portion of your book?

Donna:  It’s an epiphany for many people to learn there is a difference between confidence and self-esteem.  Many confident people have low self-esteem, so to separate the two allows for some deeper self-discovery, and in the long run becoming happier within themselves.

SLY: Can you explain what you mean by saying making first contact is “exhibiting masculine energy?” According to whom? That section in your book also was a bit jarring. Up until that point the book seemed to relate to either a man or woman in any dynamic situation. That section had an undertone of certain things a woman “should do” and certain things a man “should do.” You also wrote, “For men, you are responsible for initiating communication.” And you wrote, “Unless you want a masculine energy woman who will always take the lead, be the man by taking the traditional lead in communication” Can you explain more of your philosophy regarding this? (To be fair, I’d also like to say that I believe both men and women have “masculine” and “feminine” energy. And being a whole person, to me, is about the balance of both within myself. Sometimes I initiate things and something I don’t. The same with the men that I date. As I read your book, there seems to be some “definite” and warnings as it relates to a women communicating and I’m finding it hard to identify with such a strict and definite view. )

Donna: You are correct; everyone possesses both feminine and masculine qualities, and couples do naturally negotiate to take opposite energies on many actions once inside the relationship.  What I was trying to say is that today’s women frequently exhibit too much masculine energy in either the beginning of relationships, or they change into it after they get comfortable.  If you start a relationship showing only the feminine energy but then switch to a lot of masculine energy your man may lose interest—because he likes a feminine energy woman.  Also vice versa, if a woman shows the masculine energy (by making the first move and initiating the date) then switches to feminine energy after she gets the guy he’s disappointed, and confused why he lost interest.  I’m not saying that you need to strictly be one or the other, no one ever is.  I’m saying you need to be aware of the energy you’re portraying because it plays a large role in initial attraction, and maintaining attraction.  Many masculine energy woman like masculine energy men, but they repel them like the wrong sides of a magnet trying to be pushed together.

I once was at a nightclub with my masculine energy guy when a fight broke out right next to us.  He’s 6’2” and stepped in front of me.  He was blocking my view so I step around him.  He stepped in front of me again and slightly annoyed said, “I’m trying to protect you.”  That’s a basic instinct for most men.  They want to protect their women.  If we don’t allow them to, they feel emasculated.  It’s good you’re already aware of when you choose to take the lead and when not too.  Make sure you’re making a choice that works for your partner—that’s one of the compromises that relationships require to stay happy.  Dr. Pat Allen wrote a wonderful book called Getting to I Do that explains masculine and feminine energy in depth.



SLY: Throughout the book you say, “Don’t Give Away Your Power.” Why is power important?

Donna:  Your power is directly linked to your self-esteem.  Power also helps to protect you and keep you safe.  When you are empowered your personal bar is set high, you don’t disgrace yourself or put up with bad behavior.  Like attracts like, when you are empowered you attract an empowered partner.

SLY: I’ll tell you, I least identified with the sex i.e., “comfort food” portion of your book. Things such as “sex makes you stupid” or reading “you’re making smart choices about sex.” as one of the grades to what seemed to be a very subjective test were a bit extreme and bias to me. Most of your test, I thought were fairly reasonable but the sex test seemed very loop sided.

Donna:  I’m sorry you feel you didn’t identify with the comfort food section, however since you said in question #4 that you are sometimes defensive I would venture to say perhaps it actually struck a nerve for you.  Many times we don’t like things because subconscious we don’t like those same things about ourselves.  Just saying it’s something to consider. (This made me smile, in a good way. ~ SLY)

SLY: Why do you imply that a woman who has sex early in the relationship doesn’t value her sexuality?

Donna: I don’t say that blanketly.  If a woman connects with a man on an emotional level and is clear about what she wants from a relationship, and then chooses to have sex early in the relationship, that can be an empowered choice.  However, and I am not saying this as a judgment—if a woman has sex easily with every man she’s attracted to before truly getting to know him, then that is an indicator that she doesn’t value her sexuality.  There can be many reasons why that is.  Perhaps she was sexually abused as a child (1 in 4 girls, and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before age 18), perhaps sex is how she feels loved, or attractive; perhaps she needs to control sex, or control her partner by using sex.  By saying “sex makes you stupid” I’m trying to provoke a reaction in woman.  I want woman to make conscious choices about who they give their bodies to.  If you have ever had a hot one night stand (a single serving) and then felt badly when you never saw him again, I want to help you figure out why.  My greatest wish for women is that they will always feel empowered with the choices they make.  Having said that, if you’re completely happy with your sex and love life than it’s all good.  You just have to be honest with yourself about what you truly want.           

SLY: Why do you imply that if a man only wants sex from a woman, that he has no respect for her?

Donna:  Because I coach men who tell me they have no interest in certain woman other than having sex with them.  They have been as blunt to say, “I’d fuck her but I’m not interested in a relationship.”  Men are very visual, they are turned on visually.  So if they see a girl they think is hot they can purely lust for her, desiring nothing more.  Respect has to be earned.  I’m not saying you can’t earn it if you slept together on the first date; however I am saying that is the exception not the norm.

SLY: Why do you believe a person should wait to start sexual intimacy? How long should they wait? And why is sexual intimacy placed on a different scale than other forms of intimacy?

Donna:  Emotional intimacy takes longer to develop.  If you have already connected emotionally, sex is so much more meaningful—and loving.  I clearly wrote if you’re just looking to have fun then have sex whenever you feel like it.  But if you are truly ready for a long-term relationship then taking the time to get to know each other will help you decide if you have made a good choice or not.  You can save yourself unnecessary heartache by waiting.  Without repeating the whole chapter here, men and women have different chemicals in their brains, and they process feelings differently.  You need to give a man enough time to catch up to you emotionally.  That may be 3 dates, it may be 10 dates, or it may be 6 months.  You have to be true to yourself and do what feels right for you.  Also, throughout the whole book I describe many different types of personality disorders and phobias that all possess the quality of rushing into relationships quickly.   By simply delaying intimacy you can weed out many undesirables and people who are simply incapable of truly intimate relationships.



SLY: I agree with you when you say, “Don’t play hard-to-get if you want a well-balanced meal.” You relate this to healthy communication but earlier in the book you insist on women waiting to have sex, even if they want it. There was even a quote about trying to “make him want to wait for you.” Can you explain the conflicting message in this?

Donna:  Waiting to have sex is not about playing hard-to-get.  It’s about equalizing the playing field.  Women think and feel at the same time, men have to go away to feel their feelings.  The chemicals in a woman’s brain make her bond through sex, the chemicals in a man’s brain provide a momentary burst of ecstasy and then he goes back to reality.  He has no fuzzy after glow.  That’s where the term “coyote ugly” stems from—after he has sex he’s done with the girl—unless the feeling part of his brain has grown attached to her—he needs to have space from her for him to feel.  A woman who is physically stunning can become coyote ugly real quick after he achieves orgasm.  When I said make him want to wait for you I meant make him fall in love with you.  Make him enjoy your company.  It’s old fashioned courtship at its best.  When a man is happy just to be with you then it’s safe to have sex with him (without fear of him never coming back). 

SLY: This isn’t a question. I just wanted to restate this from the book, “Only 5 percent of relationships that begin as an affair survive. It truly isn’t worth it to go through all that drama and dysfunction for such a slim chance at winning a lying cheater.” ALSO THIS – “No matter what he is telling her [the other woman], his marriage is fulfilling him in some way; otherwise, he would have already left on his own. People do what they want to do. He wants to be with his wife; he just wants his mistress too. If you are dating a married man I know this is hard to hear, but he is absolutely still having sex with his wife, and he is enjoying it! If you are saying to yourself that your man is different, you’re kidding yourself. He’s just a really good liar.”

Donna:  Thank you for restating that!  Unfortunately most people involved in a triangle type relationship have a hard time hearing that.

SLY: You mentioned that a person choosing to be in an affair with a married person usually does it for two reasons. Low self-esteem or Commitmentphobia. I never looked at it that black and white before. I’m sure you get many people who justify their “relationship” with a married person. They say its different. That its really love. That its complicated. What do you have to say to them?

Donna:  I try to tell them to put themselves first.  They are usually so focused on their lover they have lost sight of the reality that he or she is unavailable.  I really like the saying, “If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s yours, if not it never was.”  I encourage them to let their lover go, to tell him or her that if they can be exclusive he or she can come back.  Unfortunately most people in an affair don’t listen, such as the woman I wrote about in my book.  I have never had a client come to me to ask for help ending an affair, only to ask for help how to get their lover to leave their other relationship.  That’s why I’m happy you restated part of my “Forbidden Fruit” chapter.

SLY:  Throughout your book you repeat things such as “Trust your instincts,” “Value yourself,” “Protect your heart,” “People don’t change unless they want to.” When I came across these sections in this book it showed how your book was more than a relationship book. It comes across as a life lessons book. A book on how to love yourself. This is something I like about the book. Was this intentional? Do you intentionally repeat those phrases over and over?

Donna:  Thank you!  Yes, Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships is also intended as a life lessons book.  I am a life & relationship coach.  When one area of your life is out of sorts it pulls on all the other areas.  You have to be happy and love yourself before you can be happy with someone else.  So my hope for this book is to help millions of people create happy lives and relationships for themselves.

This interview is posted on Sheena LaSha's Blog:  http://sheenalashay.com/2013/07/giving-up-junk-food-relationships/

Buy Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships

You Can’t Force Someone to Love You

My older cousin taught me a valuable lesson about other people’s feelings when I was just six years old. Maybe this analogy can help you too. I had wanted a cat with all of my heart and soul, and my favorite aunt had finally gotten me one. I was so happy to have that cat that I couldn’t put her down. No matter how much she struggled and meowed to be let go, I just wanted to cuddle her more. If she did get away, I’d chase her all over the house until I caught her again. I simply couldn’t love her enough. Then one day I was walking through the living room at my aunt’s house when my cousin grabbed me and held me tight on his lap. “Let me go,” I yelled. “No,” he said. I started to struggle and fight, but he was much bigger than me and I couldn’t get away. I started to cry, but he still wouldn’t let me go. I was angry and kicking and screaming. It made no difference; he wouldn’t let me go. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally released me. He asked, “Did you like that?” “No!” I said, still pouting. “That’s what you do to the cat!” he said. Wow, that was awful. I got it. After that, every time she wanted to get down, I let her—even though I didn’t like it.

            When you love someone, it’s not just about what you want. True love means wanting the other person to be happy too. It’s a hard pill to swallow when what he wants is to be away from you. But the loving thing to do is to let him have what he wants. You can’t force someone to love you.  The more you try to manipulate someone, the more you push them away. He may end up hating you. He almost certainly will cut you off forever. I know it’s very scary not to be able to control things—especially when they affect your safety. But you need to stop being your own worst enemy. Push the pause button and take care of you. You will be much more attractive if you maintain your power and act nutritiously.  

Watch Donna's Video:  When to let go after a breakup (or possibly get your ex back) 

How to Avoid Heart Break

When my clients end a relationship, whether a good or bad one, they often ask me if there was something they should have seen in the beginning. The answer is always yes. As they tell me more about how it started, we usually do discover the warning signs that could have prevented their heartbreak. But they had been too caught up in the seduction to pay attention. Frequently they didn’t even know what to look for in the first place.

First and foremost, when your new sweetheart tells you something about himself, believe him! I can’t stress this enough. If he says, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship,” don’t think, “Well, maybe not with anyone else, but you have such a great connection with me.” The connection part may be true—but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not ready for more. If you ignore that important ingredient, you will get hurt. I had a client who came to me devastated because his girlfriend had cheated on him. But she had told him in the beginning that she had never been faithful to anyone. He trusted the connection he felt and assumed he’d be different, instead of truly hearing what she said. That was a painful mistake. She ultimately did what she said she would do. When people talk about themselves, it’s not in relation to you. It probably has nothing to do with you; it’s all about them. You can’t change them. You have to accept their truth!

View Donna’s How to Avoid Heart Break video

Subtle Junk-Food Flags You Should Look Out for When Dating

When a relationship doesn’t work out or ends badly, clients frequently ask me if there was something they should have seen in the beginning.  The answer is almost always yes.  But they were too caught up in the seduction to notice that it wasn’t a good fit.  You have to look for the warning signs are and heed them before you get too involved (or intimate).  I consider the obvious ones to be if he or she drinks too much, blatantly lies, is negative or can’t stop talking about his or her ex.  But here are some more subtle clues to look for that can save you a lot of heartache down the road.

1. He or she doesn’t respect your boundaries.  If you say no and he continues to push to get his way, or does it anyway, then he’s not respecting your needs.   He’s being manipulative.  It might be something as simple as pushing you to answer a question. Or ordering another drink for you when you said no.  It’s a sign that he or she could be controlling and will always need to have their way.

2. He or she’s a blamer.  They’ll name someone else as the cause for everything that happens to them, or always have an excuse for why it’s not their fault.  If he or she blames you for anything that doesn’t go right, no matter how small (even if it is your fault—there is no need to point that out), he or she’s probably the defensive type who can’t take responsibility for their own actions.  If the relationship moves forward you will always be the one expected to change or compromise.

3. He or she’s narcissistic.  He constantly interrupts and doesn’t let you finish your thoughts, or sentences.  He’s more interested in talking about himself (telling inflated stories staring him) than learning about you and he doesn’t remember important information you share about yourself.  He might take the better seat in a restaurant and/or demand specific attention.  That’s a good indication that the whole relationship will be all about him.

4. He or she’s controlling.  He doesn’t ask you, but tells you what you’re going to do.  Such as if he orders food for you without consulting you on what you’d like.  Or in any way corrects you, or tells you how you “need” to look, behave or speak.  Confidence is very attractive but it becomes control if you don’t have a choice.

5. He or she’s moving too fast.  A commitment-phobic will try to pull you into his life quickly because subconsciously he knows he’s not going to keep you around.  He’ll invite you to do everything with him until he knows he definitely has you, then he’ll feel smothered and suddenly leave you without warning.  Don’t fall for it.  Slow the pace of the relationship.  No more than two to three dates a week in the beginning.

 A person might not wave all his or her junk-food flags on the first, second or even third date.  So you have to keep up a vigilant watch.  Sex will definitely cloud your judgment.  Don’t allow sex to make you stupid.

Watch Donna's Video:

Don't Allow Sex to Make You Stupid

Are You Finding it Hard to go on Without the Love of Your life?

Finding the love of your life is an incredible high, especially if on some level you view him or her as above your typical dating league.  So naturally, when it doesn’t work out or worse, it suddenly ends without warning, it may feel like you will never find anyone better.  However, it is only that kind of thinking that will prevent you from finding anyone new—I promise you.

Contrary to what many people believe there is not only one love of anyone’s life.   It sucks, and it hurts, and it’s very lonely to lose your soul mate.  But you cannot lose yourself in the process.  No one else defines who you are.  You are who you are based solely on your own merits, not because of the partner you were able to secure for yourself.  I know it doesn’t feel like it but this breakup is the best thing that has happened to you.  It’s giving you depth, compassion and a new perspective on life.  Embrace it!  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so if you are having any thoughts of removing yourself from this world, please, please think again.  I swear to you this shall pass and it does get better.  Do not give that kind of power to a selfish person who didn’t value you.

The first step in letting go of someone who hurt you is to knock them off the pedestal you’ve had them on.  I usually recommend not being judgmental, but when someone has broken your heart you have to find their faults to help you let them go.  No one is perfect, and no matter how perfect he or she may have seemed for you, he or she did have short comings.  Leaving you is a major fault.

The reason I say this is good for you is because the insights you are gaining will help you find the new love of your life.  The things that didn’t work in a past relationship usually become the essential qualities we look for in our next partner, things we didn’t know to look for previously.  You probably won’t find someone with the exact same qualities that you loved about your ex, but that’s a good thing.  You absolutely will find someone with better qualities that work better for you.  Do not sell yourself short; your ex is not the only person who will find you attractive.  This horrible experience is helping you grow and actually making you more appealing.

I can absolutely assure you all of these things because I have been there too.  I know how you feel.  I had an amazing relationship with a wonderful man who I thought was the love of my life.  When he couldn’t do it and left our relationship it pulled the rug out from underneath me.  That was a very dark time.  However, it set me on a quest for knowledge.  I did find love again, and lost it again, and found it again, and lost it again.  Each time I felt I would never find anyone better.  It was frequently painful, and at times even debilitating, but in hindsight I wouldn’t change any of it.  It has made me who I am.  I am an empowered woman who knows how to recognize a man who is truly good for me.  I’m now blessed with the best love of my life—whom I wouldn’t trade for any of my past loves.

If you hang in there and take care of yourself I promise you can find better love too.  You need to change your perception.  Decide that you do not want your ex.  You DO NOT want someone who doesn’t want you!  If you need help reach out for it.  Talk to your friends and family, read some good books, you can even reach out to me.  Helping people through breakups is now my specialty—I definitely understand.

I wrote this column for LoveEngineer.com   I got so many responses from yesterday's post asking how to get over a breakup, so I though I would repost this now.  I hope it helps!

Advice Videos:

When to let go after a breakup (or possibly get your ex back)

How to be Happy Without a Relationship

Texting Etiquette In the Dating Phase

Texting has changed relationships—and not for the better.  I’m not a fan of rules but I do feel there needs to be one big bold rule about text messaging:  NEVER send a text message to communicate emotions or feelings!

Good communication is the foundation of a happy relationship. Texting is impersonal communication.  It is unbelievable to me that anyone would attempt to communicate relationship altering information via a text.  But it happens all the time. Clients have told me they have said I love you for the first time, agreed to be exclusive, held entire arguments and even broken up without speaking a single word to each other.  I hope it’s not just me who views that as crazy.

I also think it is cowardly to initiate a date via text.  I do understand the appeal for the sender; there is no pressure on what to say if you’re turned down.  But as a woman, if a man doesn’t think enough of me to pick up the phone and speak with me then I’m not interested…and I hope to empower all women to feel that way.  You teach people how to treat you. So when you first meet someone set a boundary that you want to communicate verbally.  If a potential love interest texts instead of calling, text back, “Call me.”  If they don’t, they may have saved you from future heartache.

How long should you wait before responding to a text or phone call? The answer is, don’t wait. The idea that you have to play hard-to-get is junk-food. If you begin a relationship by playing games of any kind, you will ultimately lose. A person who is looking for a healthy relationship wants someone who is communicative. Having said that, ladies, let the man initiate all texts until you are in an exclusive relationship. If he takes you out you can thank him verbally at the end of the date.  There is no need to thank him again with a text the next day—that’s his role.

I strongly believe men are responsible for initiating communication. One of my male clients recently called because he hadn’t heard from the girl he’d just spent the night with. He was confused as to whether she liked him or not. I asked if he had called or texted her. “No,” he said, “I was waiting to hear from her first.” “She’s waiting to hear from you,” I said. “You’re the guy.” He had no idea that he should make the first contact. I realize today’s women are not exactly traditional, and many of them do make the first contact. I also know men now often give women their card and say “call me” instead of asking for their number. But that makes the woman the pursuer. Men, unless you want a masculine energy woman who will always take the lead, be the man by taking the traditional lead in communication.

Here are my suggestions for texting  during the dating phase:

• Don’t use text or e-mail as a replacement for phone calls. One-on-one communication is best. Don’t schedule all your dates through texts.

• Just because you can send a message immediately doesn’t mean you deserve an immediate response.

• Never e-mail or text when you’re impaired: angry, sad, or otherwise emotional, or under the influence of any substance.

• Never e-mail or text when you’ve just ended an emotional phone conversation. Let sleeping dogs lie.

• If you wouldn’t deliver your message in person, then don’t send it via text or e-mail. Remember, the receiver has feelings, too (even if he or she is not good at showing them).

• Don’t hide behind texts. It’s really easy to type out what you want and just hit send. But that won’t get you the kind of response you need, and it gives the receiver permission to do the same.

• Anything that will potentially alter your relationship needs to be done in person or at least speaking on the phone.

• Only send a text if it will positively benefit your relationship and it cannot be misconstrued, such as messages stating that you’re running late or communicating other logistical information.

• The man should be the pursuer. Ladies, don’t send texts to initiate contact.

The problem with any written communication is that its context can be misconstrued. Without the inflection of voice to help interpret its meaning, you may take what is written the wrong way. So may the receiver of your texts. One’s perception is one’s reality. Your relationship is too important to leave up to chance.  Too many very smart people succumb to the self-defeating act of texting their lover in a moment of emotional insecurity, frequently when they are tipsy or drunk, forgoing any rational judgment. The lure to instantly deliver your deepest feelings—positive or negative—may feel satisfying in the moment, but the consequences of pressing the send button are rarely beneficial.

Donna wrote this column for LoveEngineer.com

Watch Donna's video: When NOT to text

Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices

Are you waiting for someone to change back into the person you fell in love with? Do you fear you won’t find anyone better for you if you leave or let go? Are you confused about what went wrong? This guide outlines ways to make your relationships healthier and, more importantly, how to tell when things have gone bad. An abusive, dysfunctional, or simply wrong-for-you relationship can be as draining and bad for your health as an affinity for junk food.

If you’re like most people, you’re probably hungry for a good, meaningful, fulfilling relationship. Though it’s easy to figure out that something needs to change, you may be having trouble figuring out what to do. In Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships, author Donna Barnes uses multiple choice quizzes, check lists, how-to lists, and more to lay out methods for determining what kinds of junk food are affecting your relationships. You can learn how to recognize and stop destructive dating habits, spot and avoid waving junk-food (red) flags, distinguish true love from true lust, tell if you’re in a bad relationship and how to call it quits, be comfortable being alone, and handle rejection gracefully. Start making healthy relationship decisions and improve your most important long-term relationship: the one with yourself.