Are You Sure You Want To Send That E-Mail?

I think it would be great if there could be an app to check the emotional tone of emails before they’re sent, the same way that spell check corrects errors.

Only the perfect app would even go farther to destroy the entire text if it was inappropriate to even be making contact.  If such technology existed more relationships might succeed.

I say that because it’s unbelievable to me how many smart people sabotage potentially good relationships by pouring out their feelings in an email, and then sending it at an illogical time. For instance, when you haven’t heard from your date and you’re trying to create more of a connection.  Or when you’re frustrated about something and you think venting will help build emotional intimacy.  Or even worse you try to plead your case about how you think the relationship works, after he or she already told you they don’t think it does.

And I’m not just talking about hurt or angry feelings, until you’re in a committed relationship positive loving feelings can be harmful too. You may have just gotten home from a great date, and then sent an email to elaborate on a topic you briefly discussed, or confess feelings you weren’t brave enough to say face-to-face. However, that may feel needy or smothering to your potential mate.

Emotional hijackings such as these completely give away your power.  Most people don’t respond well to dramatic or personal information thrown at them randomly. Would you? If you’re feeling insecure or upset about something while you’re not in your date’s company, you have to be patient. Push the pause button!

Regardless of how smart our communication devises may be we still have free will.  So I want to encourage you to go back to communicating the old fashioned way.

You used to have to put your thoughts on paper, put it in an envelope, address it, buy a stamp and take it to a mailbox.  Then it took at least a day to be delivered.  By the time you did all that you also had time to process your feelings, and in most cases you’d lose the desire to send it. Relationships were much simpler then.  You talked in person or on the phone.  Cards and letters were rare and therefore romantic and special.  It’s the draw of immediate delivery that makes email and text so seductive—but also destructive.  If you wouldn’t call to say it, don’t send it electronically!

Writing out your feelings is an excellent way to process them; it will get it off your chest and allow you to stop obsessing. But then put it away.  Review what you wrote the next day when you can have a fresh perspective. If you still feel like you need to share your thoughts it needs to be a two-way conversation so you can be sure your feelings are acknowledged.E-mails will leave you vulnerable because no response is required.

As a woman, you can fall in love and can process your feelings while you’re in the company of your guy. But if you are a right-handed man, you need to step back and take a break from your woman to process your feelings.  Women’s brains and left-handed men’s brains can think and feel at the same time.  Right-handed men can only do one at a time.  So give your right-handed man that space to step back from thinking and switch to feeling.  Don’t invade his space with messages.

If you’re a right-handed man, try to extend some empathy if your woman sends emotional emails or texts that you think are illogical; given a little time, it may feel right.

This column was written for www.DigitalRomanceInc.com

Watch my YouTube video on When NOT to text

Texting Etiquette In the Dating Phase

Texting has changed relationships—and not for the better.  I’m not a fan of rules but I do feel there needs to be one big bold rule about text messaging:  NEVER send a text message to communicate emotions or feelings!

Good communication is the foundation of a happy relationship. Texting is impersonal communication.  It is unbelievable to me that anyone would attempt to communicate relationship altering information via a text.  But it happens all the time. Clients have told me they have said I love you for the first time, agreed to be exclusive, held entire arguments and even broken up without speaking a single word to each other.  I hope it’s not just me who views that as crazy.

I also think it is cowardly to initiate a date via text.  I do understand the appeal for the sender; there is no pressure on what to say if you’re turned down.  But as a woman, if a man doesn’t think enough of me to pick up the phone and speak with me then I’m not interested…and I hope to empower all women to feel that way.  You teach people how to treat you. So when you first meet someone set a boundary that you want to communicate verbally.  If a potential love interest texts instead of calling, text back, “Call me.”  If they don’t, they may have saved you from future heartache.

How long should you wait before responding to a text or phone call? The answer is, don’t wait. The idea that you have to play hard-to-get is junk-food. If you begin a relationship by playing games of any kind, you will ultimately lose. A person who is looking for a healthy relationship wants someone who is communicative. Having said that, ladies, let the man initiate all texts until you are in an exclusive relationship. If he takes you out you can thank him verbally at the end of the date.  There is no need to thank him again with a text the next day—that’s his role.

I strongly believe men are responsible for initiating communication. One of my male clients recently called because he hadn’t heard from the girl he’d just spent the night with. He was confused as to whether she liked him or not. I asked if he had called or texted her. “No,” he said, “I was waiting to hear from her first.” “She’s waiting to hear from you,” I said. “You’re the guy.” He had no idea that he should make the first contact. I realize today’s women are not exactly traditional, and many of them do make the first contact. I also know men now often give women their card and say “call me” instead of asking for their number. But that makes the woman the pursuer. Men, unless you want a masculine energy woman who will always take the lead, be the man by taking the traditional lead in communication.

Here are my suggestions for texting  during the dating phase:

• Don’t use text or e-mail as a replacement for phone calls. One-on-one communication is best. Don’t schedule all your dates through texts.

• Just because you can send a message immediately doesn’t mean you deserve an immediate response.

• Never e-mail or text when you’re impaired: angry, sad, or otherwise emotional, or under the influence of any substance.

• Never e-mail or text when you’ve just ended an emotional phone conversation. Let sleeping dogs lie.

• If you wouldn’t deliver your message in person, then don’t send it via text or e-mail. Remember, the receiver has feelings, too (even if he or she is not good at showing them).

• Don’t hide behind texts. It’s really easy to type out what you want and just hit send. But that won’t get you the kind of response you need, and it gives the receiver permission to do the same.

• Anything that will potentially alter your relationship needs to be done in person or at least speaking on the phone.

• Only send a text if it will positively benefit your relationship and it cannot be misconstrued, such as messages stating that you’re running late or communicating other logistical information.

• The man should be the pursuer. Ladies, don’t send texts to initiate contact.

The problem with any written communication is that its context can be misconstrued. Without the inflection of voice to help interpret its meaning, you may take what is written the wrong way. So may the receiver of your texts. One’s perception is one’s reality. Your relationship is too important to leave up to chance.  Too many very smart people succumb to the self-defeating act of texting their lover in a moment of emotional insecurity, frequently when they are tipsy or drunk, forgoing any rational judgment. The lure to instantly deliver your deepest feelings—positive or negative—may feel satisfying in the moment, but the consequences of pressing the send button are rarely beneficial.

Donna wrote this column for LoveEngineer.com

Watch Donna's video: When NOT to text