What Do You Do When the ONE You Wanted Marries Someone Else?

“He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person; she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me.” 

Meg Ryan’s line from When Harry Met Sally speaks for many women. Or maybe your ONE did know he wanted to get married, but started picking you apart and finding fault just when everything got really great. Then most likely his next relationship was with someone who had the qualities he perceived to be missing with you—because that is what he convinced himself he needed most.   

I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but for someone with commitment issues the better the relationship the more anxiety they feel. It’s much easier for them to make a commitment to someone who looks good on paper and is a good intellectual choice, but less of an intense “love of my life” connection. One man flat out said to me, “Am I head over heels in love with her? No, but I like it that way. It works.” They had commonality, and he really liked her. She didn’t stimulate his commitment anxiety.

Many people would call that settling. Commitmentphobes think it’s smart. Did you see the movie Moonstruck? Cher’s character Loretta announced she was going to marry Johnny Camareri (played by Danny Aiello) her mom Rose (played by Olivia Dukakis) asked:

Rose: Do you love him?

Loretta: No

Rose: Good

But when she announced she was going to marry Johnny’s brother Ronny (Nicholas Cage) instead:

Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?

Loretta: Aw, ma, I love him awful.

Rose: Oh, God, that's too bad.

What I’m trying to say is that just because someone gets married doesn’t mean they married the love of their life. You may still be their true love; you were just too scary for them to deal with. What’s most important is that you don’t allow it to make you feel bad about yourself, or prevent you from finding happiness with someone else.  Your perception is your reality, so you need to decide that he settled, and even if you’re still single you’re happy, because you’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.

Both men and women get married for all sorts of reasons other than finding their true ONE. They may have been burned by love, and think it’s too painful to open up to trying again.  They may succumb to the peer pressure that all their colleagues are married and it looks better professionally. Or their biological clock may be ticking and they found somebody willing to become a parent. But for someone who has unacknowledged commitment issues they don’t know how they will feel about falling head over heels in love or getting married until they do it—and then their anxiety can become overwhelming.

Let’s face it; marriage isn’t what it used to be. It’s become easily expendable. The odds are against them that they will stay married till death—especially if one or both of them didn’t really know themselves (or each other) before they made any promises or vows. Sex & the City’s Carrie and Big were based on real life people. Big (who clearly had commitment issues) married a socialite after only knowing her for 5 months. Carrie was heartbroken. But in the end Big came back to Carrie finally telling her, “You’re the one.”

That frequently happens in life too. However by no means should you wait if your love married someone else! Take comfort in knowing that if he had married you first, you may have been the one he ultimately divorced. Decide that you dodged a bullet, and that you are the amazing catch that got away! Move on with your life feeling empowered.

This column was written for LoveEngineer.com

Watch Donna's Video How to be Happy Without a Relationship

How to Avoid Heart Break

When my clients end a relationship, whether a good or bad one, they often ask me if there was something they should have seen in the beginning. The answer is always yes. As they tell me more about how it started, we usually do discover the warning signs that could have prevented their heartbreak. But they had been too caught up in the seduction to pay attention. Frequently they didn’t even know what to look for in the first place.

First and foremost, when your new sweetheart tells you something about himself, believe him! I can’t stress this enough. If he says, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship,” don’t think, “Well, maybe not with anyone else, but you have such a great connection with me.” The connection part may be true—but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not ready for more. If you ignore that important ingredient, you will get hurt. I had a client who came to me devastated because his girlfriend had cheated on him. But she had told him in the beginning that she had never been faithful to anyone. He trusted the connection he felt and assumed he’d be different, instead of truly hearing what she said. That was a painful mistake. She ultimately did what she said she would do. When people talk about themselves, it’s not in relation to you. It probably has nothing to do with you; it’s all about them. You can’t change them. You have to accept their truth!

View Donna’s How to Avoid Heart Break video

How to Fight Fair

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Ask yourself that the next time you find yourself digging in your heels in an argument. What are you really trying to get? Too many of us get caught up in the fight of needing to win, which translates into not wanting to be wrong. But at what cost?

Rules for a Healthy Food Fight

 1)    When you feel enraged, don’t say anything! Take a few deep breaths and slowly count to five. It will give the more reasoning part of your brain time to kick in. Listen to it! If you can’t control your temper, then tell your partner you need to take a break so you can calm down. Take a walk around the block or postpone the conversation until another day when you can respond rationally.

2)      Never say mean and hurtful things in a moment of anger. You can say a thousand nice things, but a single insult will be remembered forever. Once it’s said, you can never take it back. True love means never wanting to hurt your partner!

3)   Never use sensitive and personal information as ammunition. It’s a violation of emotional intimacy. Things that your partner shared with you in a loving, tender moment have no place in a fight. That’s hitting below the belt and a sure way to lose your partner’s trust—perhaps even turn him or her against you.

4)   Don’t bring up any past issues. The past is in the past; learn from it and move on. If you can’t agree on or make a compromise over a specific issue that isn’t a relationship deal-breaker, then you need to agree to disagree. That means you respect each other’s position (and boundaries) and accept what it is. Then put it to rest. Do not bring it up again unless it’s to tell your partner you’ve changed your mind and you now agree. Relationships have to advance; otherwise, they die. Keep your relationship in the present and growing forward.

5)   Fight for happiness, not to be right. The only winner of a fight should be your relationship. It’s much easier to say “I’m sorry” than it is to defend yourself. It’s also more endearing. You’re much more lovable when you accept responsibility for your actions and be humble. Your goal is not just to make yourself happy, but to also make your partner happy. It will make your relationship better.

6)   You never get nagging rights. You have to forgive or get out. If he did something (or won’t do something) that you can’t get past, then you have to leave the relationship. You cannot beat him up about it if you choose to stay. You have to forgive and move forward or successfully agree to disagree.

7)   Don’t suppress your anger. Depression is anger turned inward. You have to express your anger to relieve it and feel better. If you hold everything inside, you become a potential pressure cooker. The anger will build until you ultimately explode on your unsuspecting partner. Or you’ll make yourself sick. You’ll become passive-aggressive (meaning that though your words seem friendly, your actions are not). Use your communication tools to let your partner know what’s making you angry. She can’t help you if she doesn’t know what it is.

View Donna’s YouTube Video:   How to Stop Arguing

Donna Barnes Life & Relationship Coach

Texting Etiquette In the Dating Phase

Texting has changed relationships—and not for the better.  I’m not a fan of rules but I do feel there needs to be one big bold rule about text messaging:  NEVER send a text message to communicate emotions or feelings!

Good communication is the foundation of a happy relationship. Texting is impersonal communication.  It is unbelievable to me that anyone would attempt to communicate relationship altering information via a text.  But it happens all the time. Clients have told me they have said I love you for the first time, agreed to be exclusive, held entire arguments and even broken up without speaking a single word to each other.  I hope it’s not just me who views that as crazy.

I also think it is cowardly to initiate a date via text.  I do understand the appeal for the sender; there is no pressure on what to say if you’re turned down.  But as a woman, if a man doesn’t think enough of me to pick up the phone and speak with me then I’m not interested…and I hope to empower all women to feel that way.  You teach people how to treat you. So when you first meet someone set a boundary that you want to communicate verbally.  If a potential love interest texts instead of calling, text back, “Call me.”  If they don’t, they may have saved you from future heartache.

How long should you wait before responding to a text or phone call? The answer is, don’t wait. The idea that you have to play hard-to-get is junk-food. If you begin a relationship by playing games of any kind, you will ultimately lose. A person who is looking for a healthy relationship wants someone who is communicative. Having said that, ladies, let the man initiate all texts until you are in an exclusive relationship. If he takes you out you can thank him verbally at the end of the date.  There is no need to thank him again with a text the next day—that’s his role.

I strongly believe men are responsible for initiating communication. One of my male clients recently called because he hadn’t heard from the girl he’d just spent the night with. He was confused as to whether she liked him or not. I asked if he had called or texted her. “No,” he said, “I was waiting to hear from her first.” “She’s waiting to hear from you,” I said. “You’re the guy.” He had no idea that he should make the first contact. I realize today’s women are not exactly traditional, and many of them do make the first contact. I also know men now often give women their card and say “call me” instead of asking for their number. But that makes the woman the pursuer. Men, unless you want a masculine energy woman who will always take the lead, be the man by taking the traditional lead in communication.

Here are my suggestions for texting  during the dating phase:

• Don’t use text or e-mail as a replacement for phone calls. One-on-one communication is best. Don’t schedule all your dates through texts.

• Just because you can send a message immediately doesn’t mean you deserve an immediate response.

• Never e-mail or text when you’re impaired: angry, sad, or otherwise emotional, or under the influence of any substance.

• Never e-mail or text when you’ve just ended an emotional phone conversation. Let sleeping dogs lie.

• If you wouldn’t deliver your message in person, then don’t send it via text or e-mail. Remember, the receiver has feelings, too (even if he or she is not good at showing them).

• Don’t hide behind texts. It’s really easy to type out what you want and just hit send. But that won’t get you the kind of response you need, and it gives the receiver permission to do the same.

• Anything that will potentially alter your relationship needs to be done in person or at least speaking on the phone.

• Only send a text if it will positively benefit your relationship and it cannot be misconstrued, such as messages stating that you’re running late or communicating other logistical information.

• The man should be the pursuer. Ladies, don’t send texts to initiate contact.

The problem with any written communication is that its context can be misconstrued. Without the inflection of voice to help interpret its meaning, you may take what is written the wrong way. So may the receiver of your texts. One’s perception is one’s reality. Your relationship is too important to leave up to chance.  Too many very smart people succumb to the self-defeating act of texting their lover in a moment of emotional insecurity, frequently when they are tipsy or drunk, forgoing any rational judgment. The lure to instantly deliver your deepest feelings—positive or negative—may feel satisfying in the moment, but the consequences of pressing the send button are rarely beneficial.

Donna wrote this column for LoveEngineer.com

Watch Donna's video: When NOT to text

Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices

Are you waiting for someone to change back into the person you fell in love with? Do you fear you won’t find anyone better for you if you leave or let go? Are you confused about what went wrong? This guide outlines ways to make your relationships healthier and, more importantly, how to tell when things have gone bad. An abusive, dysfunctional, or simply wrong-for-you relationship can be as draining and bad for your health as an affinity for junk food.

If you’re like most people, you’re probably hungry for a good, meaningful, fulfilling relationship. Though it’s easy to figure out that something needs to change, you may be having trouble figuring out what to do. In Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships, author Donna Barnes uses multiple choice quizzes, check lists, how-to lists, and more to lay out methods for determining what kinds of junk food are affecting your relationships. You can learn how to recognize and stop destructive dating habits, spot and avoid waving junk-food (red) flags, distinguish true love from true lust, tell if you’re in a bad relationship and how to call it quits, be comfortable being alone, and handle rejection gracefully. Start making healthy relationship decisions and improve your most important long-term relationship: the one with yourself.