Are You Too Masculine for Your Man?

You’re sexy, confident, and successful; you’re frequently told you’re a great catch.  So why don’t your relationships last?  You may be showing too much masculine energy.

Most women today are good at taking care of themselves.  Many have multiple degrees, high powered jobs, or own their own business.  They’re used to owning their masculine energy at work.  And if you live in an urban city such as New York you probably exhibit masculine energy just to get through the day.  But if you’re attracted to masculine energy men your masculine energy is repelling them.  It’s like trying to push the wrong sides of a magnet together.

Everyone possesses both feminine and masculine qualities.  You need to be aware of which energy you’re portraying because it plays a large role in initial attraction—and maintaining attraction.  You have to decide if you’re primarily masculine or feminine, and then stick with that choice to keep your relationship together.

If a woman shows the masculine energy in the beginning by making the first move and initiating the date she is appealing to a man’s feminine energy.  Opposite energies attract.  After she gets a guy if she then switches to feminine energy by wanting him to take the lead he’s disappointed, and loses interest.  A masculine energy man wouldn’t be interested in anything more than a casual hookup, he wouldn’t stay around long enough to experience her feminine side.

If you want a masculine energy man you can flirt with him to let him know you’re interested (make eye contact, smile, touch his shoulder or arm) but then allow him to ask you out.  Let the man be the man.  Let him initiate the first kiss, when you see each other, and all electronic communication.  Allow him to pursue you.  If you chase him he will run.

Showing your feminine energy will get him, but if you then switch to a lot of masculine energy your man may lose interest—because he wants a feminine energy woman.  I’m not saying that you need to strictly be one or the other, no one ever is.  Couples naturally negotiate to take opposite energies on many actions once inside the relationship.  However, you do need to default to one or the other.

Masculine energy is active.  It exhibits strength, leadership, and rationality.  Feminine energy is passive.  It demonstrates feelings, emotions and creativity.  Traditional relationships were male dominate with a submissive woman.  That’s not a popular notion today, couples want equal partnerships.  But it’s not a business; do not compete with your man, don’t try to control him, and trust him to take care of you metaphorically—even if you’re the bread winner.

I once was at a nightclub with my masculine energy guy when a fight broke out right next to us.  He’s 6’2” and stepped in front of me.  He was blocking my view so I step around him.  He stepped in front of me again and slightly annoyed said, “I’m trying to protect you.”  It’s a basic instinct for most men to want to protect their women.  If we don’t allow them to, they feel emasculated.

Try to become aware of when you choose to take the lead and when you follow or just go with the flow.   Part of being an empowered woman is knowing when to defer to your man.  Stroke his ego and acknowledge him for things he does.  Make him feel needed.  It will make him feel proud of you for all your accomplishments—not intimidated by your actions.

This article was written for DigitalRomanceInc

Are You Sure You Want To Send That E-Mail?

I think it would be great if there could be an app to check the emotional tone of emails before they’re sent, the same way that spell check corrects errors.

Only the perfect app would even go farther to destroy the entire text if it was inappropriate to even be making contact.  If such technology existed more relationships might succeed.

I say that because it’s unbelievable to me how many smart people sabotage potentially good relationships by pouring out their feelings in an email, and then sending it at an illogical time. For instance, when you haven’t heard from your date and you’re trying to create more of a connection.  Or when you’re frustrated about something and you think venting will help build emotional intimacy.  Or even worse you try to plead your case about how you think the relationship works, after he or she already told you they don’t think it does.

And I’m not just talking about hurt or angry feelings, until you’re in a committed relationship positive loving feelings can be harmful too. You may have just gotten home from a great date, and then sent an email to elaborate on a topic you briefly discussed, or confess feelings you weren’t brave enough to say face-to-face. However, that may feel needy or smothering to your potential mate.

Emotional hijackings such as these completely give away your power.  Most people don’t respond well to dramatic or personal information thrown at them randomly. Would you? If you’re feeling insecure or upset about something while you’re not in your date’s company, you have to be patient. Push the pause button!

Regardless of how smart our communication devises may be we still have free will.  So I want to encourage you to go back to communicating the old fashioned way.

You used to have to put your thoughts on paper, put it in an envelope, address it, buy a stamp and take it to a mailbox.  Then it took at least a day to be delivered.  By the time you did all that you also had time to process your feelings, and in most cases you’d lose the desire to send it. Relationships were much simpler then.  You talked in person or on the phone.  Cards and letters were rare and therefore romantic and special.  It’s the draw of immediate delivery that makes email and text so seductive—but also destructive.  If you wouldn’t call to say it, don’t send it electronically!

Writing out your feelings is an excellent way to process them; it will get it off your chest and allow you to stop obsessing. But then put it away.  Review what you wrote the next day when you can have a fresh perspective. If you still feel like you need to share your thoughts it needs to be a two-way conversation so you can be sure your feelings are acknowledged.E-mails will leave you vulnerable because no response is required.

As a woman, you can fall in love and can process your feelings while you’re in the company of your guy. But if you are a right-handed man, you need to step back and take a break from your woman to process your feelings.  Women’s brains and left-handed men’s brains can think and feel at the same time.  Right-handed men can only do one at a time.  So give your right-handed man that space to step back from thinking and switch to feeling.  Don’t invade his space with messages.

If you’re a right-handed man, try to extend some empathy if your woman sends emotional emails or texts that you think are illogical; given a little time, it may feel right.

This column was written for www.DigitalRomanceInc.com

Watch my YouTube video on When NOT to text

Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist

He’s devastatingly charming, mesmerizingly handsome, and has an intoxicating charisma.  He’s telling you how amazing you are and quickly commits to loving you forever.  Have you finally found the love of your life?  Or are you setting yourself up for the heartache that comes with loving a narcissist?

Unfortunately, some pretty amazing women have fallen for narcissists.  Narcissists envy those they perceive as nearly perfect.  In the beginning they can be very seductive and witty.  It’s easy to plunge head over heels for one.  But if you do, don’t count on living happily ever after.  He’s not capable of truly caring for you.

Narcissism is extreme self-absorption.  A narcissist’s brain cannot feel empathy, so it is impossible for a narcissist to achieve real intimacy with anyone.  Outward appearances are what are important to him.  Narcissists usually have tremendously high self-confidence and put themselves on a pedestal, above everyone else.  They belittle those they view as inferior and expect everyone to always go along with them.  However, they suffer from fragile self-esteem.  Self-esteem and self-confidence frequently get mistaken for one another, but they are two separate things.  Self-confidence is the belief in one’s ability to do something, self-esteem is how one feels about oneself; one’s inner dialog.  Narcissists don’t handle criticism well, and within a relationship they commonly become manipulative, controlling, and unfaithful.  They can even become abusive.

A narcissist loves to stroke his own ego.  He will frequently jump from one relationship to the next.  Since he’s not capable of emotional intimacy, he usually can’t sustain a relationship for very long.  If he does, his partner feels incredibly lonely, and ends up giving so much more than she gets.  Here are the signs to look for before you get too caught up in a narcissist’s serving of egocentricity.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Checklist:

___ He talks about himself and monopolizes the conversation.

___ He never asks about you, or never listens when he does.

___ He exaggerates his achievements or talents; acts boastful or conceited.

___ He expects constant praise or adoration.

___ He disregards or diminishes your feelings.

___ He’s demanding of you but isn’t there for you.

___ He puts himself first.

___ He has a sense of entitlement and becomes angry if not treated specially.

___ He’s easily hurt and easily feels rejected; he can’t handle criticism.

___ He has a fragile self-esteem but high self-confidence.

___ He thinks others are jealous of him.

___ He envies others who are successful, attractive, or stylish.

___ He takes advantage of others for his own gain.

___ He wants to have the best of everything and is materialistic.

 Confidence is very attractive; and we all want someone who’s charismatic, charming and handsome.  So how are you supposed to make a good choice?  People can possess various narcissistic tendencies without having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  But if you can check off five or more statements above, you are dating a narcissistic personality.  Get out now!  There is no hope for improvement.  People with NPD are rarely changed even a little bit—and that is if they even want help, which most of them don’t, as they think they’re perfect.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking there is any hope.  Save yourself now; just move on.

Narcissism is more common in men but can affect women too.

This column was written for LoveEngineer.com 

My Partner Cheated On Me…What Do I Do Now?

In the wake of the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal and my appearance on GMA, I’m getting frequent questions about how to handle staying with someone who cheated on you.  To make it work you have to be able to forgive completely.  If you can’t then you have to get out.

Forgiving completely means that you do not nag and you re-establish trust. Unfortunately, after being betrayed most people have a hard time controlling their anger, and they feel insecure.  They want to punish their partner for hurting them, and they want to supervise their every move.

The problem is that nagging will never help you.  Consistently throwing past mistakes in your partner’s face can only produce negative results.  If you choose to do that, you will actually be destroying any love he or she feels for you.  You’ll be making yourself the enemy.  How could anyone feel safe to tell you their feelings (to rebuild emotional intimacy) while you’re criticizing, scolding and checking up on them?

Most importantly, harboring negative feelings will punish you much more than it will punish your partner.  If you are reading their emails and texts, and monitoring all social media communications your suspicious actions are only feeding your own anxiety.

You may think it’s helping you be able to trust again, but I have to tell you that isdestroying trust.  The tighter you try to hold on to someone the more you push them away.  Conversely, if you maintain your power, knowing without a doubt how valuable you are, your partner will have incentive to love you exclusively again.

Now, I am certainly not implying your partner gets a free pass for being dishonest and unfaithful.  I’m trying to help you see that how you behave is equally as important as what he or she does; and that you cannot control anyone but yourself.  When a couple chooses to stay together after such a betrayal there is a lot of hard work to be done for each of you.  You have to focus on what you truly want, and not just give in to venting your hurt feelings.  Venting is actually perpetuating your negative emotions.  Your goal is to make your relationship better.

My favorite saying is, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”  It’s so simple yet so true. Sometimes cheating is a wakeup call that things needed to change.  If you genuinely loveeach other and want to be together then your relationship can become better than ever, your emotional intimacy can actually become deeper.

We are all creatures of habit.  As you move forward you need to create new habits for behavior; it’s much easier to replace an undesired habit with a desirable action rather than just try to stop it.  So the next time you get the impulse to nag, pause, ask yourself what is the vulnerable feeling underneath your anger, and share that with your partner instead.  I think you’ll find you’ll get a much better response.

Immediately after learning you’ve been cheated on you start the grieving process.  Grief has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  Everyone goes through them at a different pace and in a different order.  Give yourself some timeand space to grieve before even trying to make your relationship work.  Keep your thoughts in the present; try not to look back. 

After that if you cannot truly forgive and move forward, then you need to leave the relationship and let go.  A good relationship will nurture your self-esteem and make you happy, a bad one drains your energy and causes you stress.  How does your relationship make you feel?

This column was written for http://digitalromanceinc.com/mens/my-partner-cheated-on-me-what-do-i-do-now/

Watch me on GMA: Donna Barnes on GMA: What is Cheating?

Check out my video: How to Recognize a Cheater

DateBetter.com Free Offer Promo

What Do You Do When the ONE You Wanted Marries Someone Else?

“He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person; she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me.” 

Meg Ryan’s line from When Harry Met Sally speaks for many women. Or maybe your ONE did know he wanted to get married, but started picking you apart and finding fault just when everything got really great. Then most likely his next relationship was with someone who had the qualities he perceived to be missing with you—because that is what he convinced himself he needed most.   

I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but for someone with commitment issues the better the relationship the more anxiety they feel. It’s much easier for them to make a commitment to someone who looks good on paper and is a good intellectual choice, but less of an intense “love of my life” connection. One man flat out said to me, “Am I head over heels in love with her? No, but I like it that way. It works.” They had commonality, and he really liked her. She didn’t stimulate his commitment anxiety.

Many people would call that settling. Commitmentphobes think it’s smart. Did you see the movie Moonstruck? Cher’s character Loretta announced she was going to marry Johnny Camareri (played by Danny Aiello) her mom Rose (played by Olivia Dukakis) asked:

Rose: Do you love him?

Loretta: No

Rose: Good

But when she announced she was going to marry Johnny’s brother Ronny (Nicholas Cage) instead:

Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?

Loretta: Aw, ma, I love him awful.

Rose: Oh, God, that's too bad.

What I’m trying to say is that just because someone gets married doesn’t mean they married the love of their life. You may still be their true love; you were just too scary for them to deal with. What’s most important is that you don’t allow it to make you feel bad about yourself, or prevent you from finding happiness with someone else.  Your perception is your reality, so you need to decide that he settled, and even if you’re still single you’re happy, because you’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.

Both men and women get married for all sorts of reasons other than finding their true ONE. They may have been burned by love, and think it’s too painful to open up to trying again.  They may succumb to the peer pressure that all their colleagues are married and it looks better professionally. Or their biological clock may be ticking and they found somebody willing to become a parent. But for someone who has unacknowledged commitment issues they don’t know how they will feel about falling head over heels in love or getting married until they do it—and then their anxiety can become overwhelming.

Let’s face it; marriage isn’t what it used to be. It’s become easily expendable. The odds are against them that they will stay married till death—especially if one or both of them didn’t really know themselves (or each other) before they made any promises or vows. Sex & the City’s Carrie and Big were based on real life people. Big (who clearly had commitment issues) married a socialite after only knowing her for 5 months. Carrie was heartbroken. But in the end Big came back to Carrie finally telling her, “You’re the one.”

That frequently happens in life too. However by no means should you wait if your love married someone else! Take comfort in knowing that if he had married you first, you may have been the one he ultimately divorced. Decide that you dodged a bullet, and that you are the amazing catch that got away! Move on with your life feeling empowered.

This column was written for LoveEngineer.com

Watch Donna's Video How to be Happy Without a Relationship

Confidence is More Important than Looks

What is your core belief about yourself?  Do you feel smart?  Successful?  Talented?  
Do you feel sexy?  

A male client came to me to get help getting girls. More specifically, he wanted to get them to have sex with him.  He was intelligent and very accomplished in his career, for that he was highly confident. But the only women that he'd had sex with were professionals that he had paid. His core belief was that he was unattractive to women.  He had worked with another coach and tagged along with a handsome friend who had mastered picking up girls on the street. He was trying to learn the skills of having "game". It was clear to me that he just needed to change his thinking.

The first girl he ended up taking to bed he wasn't even going to call again after their first date. He had decided that she wasn't interested in him. But as he told me about their evening together I thought it went really well. I encouraged him to ask her out again. He was pleasantly surprised and overjoyed when she allowed him to seduce her on their second date. He started to recognize that his thoughts were his only obstacle.  

He said, "The day after I got laid the first time I had a weird feeling, like a mixture of calmness, disbelief, hope etc because I had previously felt like I couldn't manage it and I had this overwhelming feeling like I'd somehow beaten my mind as it could no longer tell me, "You can't get laid". 

Yesterday he sent me the following email. He gave me permission to share it with you:

"You probably remember I was very hung up on my height because I'm short at 5'4''.  Having got laid more than I imagined was possible since we started working together, I have a much healthier set of beliefs about myself." 

"I love how you can be honest and direct with women and the result is almost always positive. Last week I met a gorgeous 6'2'' girl, and when I asked her out she said I was too short for her. I replied calmly saying, I love sexy tall women and she should give me her number anyway. She did. Last night I took her out for drinks and then took her home! It was so easy. She didn't really care that I was short. After sex she told me I was indeed the shortest guy she'd been with, but she loved how confident I was, and when I replied calmly and honestly (rather than some reactionary aggressive line) she thought she'd give me a chance. She said that in the past she found short guys to be lacking confidence and sometimes trying to compensate and that's what initially put her off rather than the actual height, which she didn't care about, at all!

She also said that as soon as I met her on the first date, walked in and smiled at her, she knew she'd like to go home with me. This is reality shattering, Donna! A 6'2'' girl sees a 5'4'' guy and thinks he's sexy.  WTF! I've spent so much of my life telling myself I'm too short for the girls I really want, and you know what, that attitude and that attitude alone was what was stopping me (but of course, you knew that already).  Some girls don't care what height you are. (and she was gorgeous, German, 6'2'', leggy, and more importantly for me she knew she was sexy and didn't lack confidence) I can no longer tell myself it's impossible to get tall girls."

Your perception is your reality. Whatever you’re thinking or feeling about yourself on the inside will be the energy you project on the outside. You are what you think you are. Therefore, everyone else thinks that of you too. So if you’re thinking, “She’d never be interested in me,” that’s why she’s not. However, if you’re thinking, “I can get anyone I want,” then you will.

Watch You Are What You Think You Are